Bachlor in paradise: The FINALE

It took us all 43729478237 hours to get there but the finale has finally happened. I’m almost positive I could have learned Mandarin¬†or knit my dog a closet of winter sweaters with the time I spent engaging in this absolute madness, but it’s all worth it in the end, kids. SPOILER ALERT – we all…

Bachelor in paradise week 5: let’s taco-bout it

We come back to paradise to watch the end of Caila giving Ashley I a passive aggressive, swift kick to the nuts. She tells Ashley that Jared loves her like a sister. And this isn’t Kentucky so basically, time to move on. Ashley I prays to her dead dog that “some guy” will come to…

Bachelor in paradise week 4: I love lamp?

Ashley is the best part of any show that’s ever been televised. This girl deserves a Olympic medal for her persistence. New sport – triathlon of tears. She can be the Usain Bolt of Bachelor in Paradise. Jared: “I never want to be with you” Ashley: “Like EVER EVER or like maybe sometime never but…

Bachelor in paradise week 3: erectile dysfunctional love

Obviously the suspense was killing us all week waiting to see if Amanda can surgically remove her tongue from Josh’s mouth and fall head over heels for ‘ED Evan’ (erectile dysfunction Evan, if you will). He takes her to a tree house and tells her he wants to see if they have a real connection….

Bachelor in Paradise week 2 : poor Carly

So Chad has left us, AGAIN. Suddenly Lace is far less interesting except for the fact that her eye lash extensions have gone rogue. Lace at the hairdresser: “I’m thinking ‘ratchet’ but like also classy” Hairdresser: “I got this. Someone hand me a blowtorch!” Leah joins us in Paradise and nobody in the audience knows…

Bachelor in paradise week 1: the land of misfit toys

  What…the…actual…F It’s like the land of misfit toys but with humans and actual emotions. Better yet, it’s like the Hunger Games because if you don’t get picked, you are basically dead as a reality tv star. This is very possibly the most amazing thing I have ever seen. In the history of television, there…