Date with Alex. Aka Angry Elf (i.e Miles Finch). For someone that just got a date card, he’s awfully pissy..
Jojo: “Are you excited for your road trip straight to the friend zone?”
This is like, the worst one on one date ever. Obviously Jojo didn’t want to be bored on the road trip so she’s like “Um….let’s just throw the little guy in this Jeep Cherokee with me so I have someone to eat Pringles with”. They have a riveting conversation about wheat bowls and duck mouthes made of Pringles.
Meanwhile, the bros break out in song, again. Honestly? Not as bad as I thought it would be and Luke has a hidden rap talent. But the Tone Rangers over here still need to explain to me why this turns in to an episode of Glee every 2 weeks. You have to f
ucking warn someone when they are about to watch a musical. Duh. I’ll let it slide because rapping about “little dude” Alex needing a stool to get in to a side car was pretty amazing and I wish I had thought of it first.
Alex tells Jojo he can freestyle and asks her to pick a subject. She picks herself (insert shock).
Alex: “Yo yo, Jo Jo, why why you such a ho ho?” Just sayin.
Also, “I like droopy trees” – actual quote. Because they have NOTHING to talk about.
They ride the rest of the time to the estancia looking bored AF. Jojo is ready to tuck and roll out of that car. When they get there, they meet a few authentic gauchos (which I always thought was just a hideous pant trend from 10 years ago). Alex dresses up as a “goocho” but production couldn’t get his sizes because they didn’t have children’s options. So he ends up looking like Aladdin and Smee had a baby. She literally calls him a “cute little gaucho”, which is Spanish for “you’re ass is going home, little man”. One of the actual gauchos shows them how to stroke a horse and I’m super uncomfortable. Do they need some privacy? Oh, and then they lay down with the poor horse. Someone save this animal.
Alex: “I’ll be your goocho”
Jojo: “It’s gaucho, moron”
Alex tells her he’s falling in love with her and she’s all “thanks but nah”. Production doesn’t even bother with the dramatic scene taking his suitcase away; mostly because no one cares and this should have happened last episode anyway. Moving on.
The men are staying at “one of the nicest polo clubs in the world”. Is that right, Luke? And you are the utmost authority on this, I’m sure.
ANOTHER date with Jordan. Alex is going to be so pissed when he sees that Jordan got picked up in a stretch limo and taken to a private jet the day after his lame excuse for a carpool date. They go to Mendoza to squish grapes with their feet and then drink it. Umm….guys? I think you skipped a few steps in the wine making process…and you didn’t clean your feet first…don’t drink that.. don’t drinkkkk thatttt….NOOOO. I actually screamed and looked away. I don’t care how sexy I think someone is, I’m not drinking anything that has touched their feet. WTactualF.
Jojo learns that she would meet everyone in Jordan’s family……BUT Aaron Rodgers. Turns out they don’t even talk. Can we say “deal breaker”? And not just because that’s a family drama red flag…but also because the whole point of dating Jordan would be to hang out with Olivia Munn. Obviously.
Jojo – “So, does that mean no Superbowl tickets? Cuz that changes things..” Don’t worry, they won’t be going to the Superbowl anyway (GO PATRIOTS).
Seriously though, she looks SUPER disappointed and I’m convinced she’s about to cry. Even the cat, Carl Weathers, isn’t going to make this better. Great cat name though..
Group Date / Daytime Sleepover? I’m lost. Whatever awesome thing production planned for this date got rained out so they move on to Plan B….JK. There was no plan b. So they ordered them some greasy takeout and make them watch Brazilian Bachelor. James sees how many fries he can fit in his mouth, which is super sexy. They play truth or dare and Jojo uses this opportunity to get Robby to strip down. James starts acting like the jealous freshman in high school that your mom makes you invite to the sleepover party. He may be the “nice guy” but he’s about to internally combust. I hope they freeze his bra or dip his hand in warm water when he’s sleeping. OH – and he drops his wine glass when he leaves the room. Rookie move, JT. Rookie move.
Robby gets the group date rose so he’s automatically going to home towns. Which is interesting because he just told her that he broke up with his GF 15 mins before the show started. Side note – he calls his grandma Mawmaw and it’s adorable.
Date with Luke – aka another episode of Bachelorette Does The Longest Ride. Take it easy, Nicholas Sparks. Tell us more about breaking in your first horse, Luke. Sounds like he also has no idea what he wants to do with his life or where he wants to be or what color curtains he wants. Sounds like a provider.
We go straight to the Rose Ceremony…because Jojo hates cocktail parties evidently. James goes home. So basically she didn’t send the 2 guys home last week so she could torture them for a few more days and then send them home anyway. But this time it’s a longer flight back. I hope they at least gave them drink coupons for the flight. But most importantly, our usually impeccably dressed fashion spirit animal ruins a beautiful gown by tying a leather rope around her neck and calling it a necklace? Seriously? Take that off, I can’t focus.