HOMETOWNS!! Or as I like to call it, 2 weeks before sleepover sex eliminations! Let’s woop it up!
First off. None of these guys have normal homes or 1 bedroom apartments in a shady part of town. You know, like real life. They all have like 6 acres of land and own chickens and horses and deer. So there’s that.
Also. WHY are the episodes this season 2 hours long? Don’t they know we have shit to do?
Hometown with Chase. Divorce sucks, we get it. But this is America and it’s not like your family was banished from the suburbs, so chill.
He takes her to his own house for his dad to pop by for this awkward family encounter. Is this the first time he’s seen him since little league? I’m very uncomfortable. Should this be a private moment? OH, I know! You should just ask him why he left your mom. That will break the ice.
“My new kids don’t ask stupid questions, pansy” – Chase’s dad.
Gee, I wonder why “crying’s not our style” – Chase & his whole family. Oh, and also “sprinkles are for winners”. Tough crowd.
He does let out one solitarily tear when telling his mom that he loves Jojo. That’s how real men cry. One tear..but they quickly wipe it up and eat it and never talk about it again.
Hometown with Jordan. DEER! Jojo has never seen a deer before. Do they not have those in TX? Let’s play a drinking game! Every time Jojo brings up Aaron, take a shot. First he takes her to his high school and old makeout spot in the library to show her where he learned all his mooooovvvessss and claims he never had a girlfriend. “Actually, I had 3 at a time.” They visit his old coach’s office and get awkward seeing pics of Aaron Rodgers. SHOT. Also, pictures of Jordan as a tiny football player. Suddenly your failed NFL career makes sense.
They go home to his family and the first thing she asks his older brother about is Aaron. SHOT. What she should have been asking is what secrets his girlfriend is hiding in that beehive. And no one is going to explain why Jordan is called the “spicy child”?
The producers make sure that two empty chairs are next to one another during dinner so they can get the dramatic shot ….and bring up Aaron again…and again…and again. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
Is it me or is Jojo absolutely terrible at hiding her disappointment about Aaron not being there and the fact that being besties with Olivia Munn is an opportunity that is slipping away right before her eyes? Take it down a notch, your desperate is showing.
Hometown with Robby. I’m super distracted by the gifts that he brings his family. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HE BROUGHT. Are these bribes? Did he rob the gift shop at whatever crapshack they put him up at awaiting hometowns? I need answers. And where did they get the adult wine sippy cups?
He tells Jojo about his ex and she’s convinced she might be his rebound. DING DING DING. But whatevs – water under the bridge. Cardinal rule #1, ladies – if he repeats your question back to you, he’s buying time to lie. Jojo must have missed that ladies meeting. Someone get her the memo STAT.
Jojo really knows how to turn that accent on full blast when she wants to, ammight?
Robby’s mom brings the drama by letting Robby know his ex’s roommate is spreading rumors that he dumped her for the show. See, Robby? Hell hath no fury like a roommate’s scorn. You shouldn’t have left the toilet seat up so much.. maybe she fell in one too many times? RED FLAG NUMBER 2!
Jojo’s dodging these red flags like the matrix.
Hometown with Luke. Bachelorette contestant or Nicholas Sparks character? The question remains.
First thought – “ew, those boots.” Second thought after realizing he gave them to her episode 1 – “ew….but awww as well. How did he get her size?”
He invites way too many people to a “family” picnic. Jojo handles it like a champ because the whole point of this is to get famous anyway, right? Better start kissing babies and shaking hands now. Luke is letting his redneck show a little more every time we see him. He sure is lucky he’s hot because I’m not entirely sure there’s much else going on up there at this point.
“She sure likes people” – Luke’s mom. Brilliant assessment, doctor.
Luke gets a music montage as she leaves him and we all know what that means. I think I see a future Bachelor star and he’s bow-legged AF.
Rose Ceremony. Producers – “everything around here smells like horses, let’s just set this up next to the plane.” Jojo panics about who she’s gonna kick off the tarmac… Luke puts in a last ditch effort by pulling her aside and telling her he loves her. Great timing? Not desperate to get on your first private jet or anything. Jojo cries on the tarmac and basically does squats in her despair and all I can think is “how is that dress not ripping? Is that spandex?”
…TO BE CONTINUED….UGH