First off – let me please just announce that before this episode aired, Jojo finally liked one of my tweets. So basically – we are best friends now. #NAMEDROP
I’m, like, totally famous.
Let’s get back to this rose ceremony on the tarmac though…
Guys. There’s nothing funny about this and I really wish there was. I know I’ve always eluded to my opinion of Luke being a hick with a hot face, but bro was LEGIT SHOCKED. He did NOT see this coming. Unless he’s hoping for an Emmy (because Oscars are a little out of reach here), he loves her and did NOT think he was leaving. I almost shed a tear but I took a sip of rosé instead and pulled my shit together.
There’s like a 75% chance of Bachelor with Luke. Keep reading to hear who else and why. SPOILER ALERT – I’m pretty much a genius.
You: “Why is katie being so cocky this recap”
Me:”Because I caught a pokemon bouncing around on my pedicurist’s face today without her knowing so I’m pretty much the queen of today. Move over Beyonce.”
We’re moving on to Thailand aka Monkey Island. I’ve never seen so much sweat before. Oh, and now we’re going to start calling Jojo by her real name? That took a while. New drinking game. Shots every time Robby calls her Joelle. Just, stop Robby.
Overnight date with Robby. They monkey around town and see the sights (see what I did there). Then Robby clarifies his deep emotionally
obsession love for her but this is getting a little Gollum for me.
Robby gives Jojo a note that he totally convinced his dad to write that pretty much says “pretty please believe my son, you’re not a rebound”. Now I KNOW he had some serious bribes in those gift bags during hometowns. Robby says yes to the fantasy suite and literally almost forgets the cameras are here when he basically goes to tackle her to her couch. Then he puts a
sock ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door. I bet you they are just gonna snuggle and talk about RHOC.
Morning with Robby: “We’re having our first breakfast together!”
And then she walk-of-shames it outta there looking gorgeous. So that’s completely unfair. Is she wearing more makeup? Did she brush her teeth? I NEED ANSWERS.
Overnight date with Jordan. They go on a ridiculous hike to a sacred temple. Part of me thinks this was Jojo’s way of getting a good workout in since they are sweating their balls off in Thailand anyway. When they get there, she has to cover up because she can’t show her shoulders but forgets to button the shirt entirely. I get fashion, sister, but you literally wore a child’s sports bra from Limited 2 and NOW you’re worried about modesty.
Jojo: “It’s hard not to kiss Jordan in the temple”
I think you can lay off for like 25 minutes, guys. He’s hot but he’s no Aaron Rodgers.
Over dinner she asks him what the next year of his life looks like…
*Long pause* “Depends. If you pick me we can move to LA together and cash in on appearances, and if you don’t pick me I get to date hoes and go on Dancing with the Stars. Win win.” So… check mate?
Then he backtracks and pulls every possible line out of his back pocket in order to smooth it over so she totally forgets. It’s like watching a jedi mind trick. I knew he was hiding secrets in that hair. But honestly, Jordan is totally the guy that doesn’t call before 11pm. He accepts the fantasy suite invite…because duh.
Morning with Jordan: “Our first breakfast together!” WAIT.. did she just reuse that line?
Queue second walk of shame …looking a little more beat up. So… um…yah. Make out of that what you will. But camouflage? Girl, there’s no excuse for that outfit. We can still see you.
Overnight date with Chase. Umm…Chase has literally gone from invisible to my favorite in like 2 episodes. That’s a real man. And he proves me right on this date. Not when he basically makes out with a fish in the market, or rides up on a scooter up (rawr)…but definitely when Jojo shatters his manly little heart. First she invites him to the fantasy suite…then he tells her he loves her and she panics and goes to hide in the bushes. Seems normal. She returns to tell him “thanks, but nah” and he reacts like a normal human being. He’s ticked and confused and kinda lets her have it….still acts like a gentleman..but makes sure to grab a beer before he gets in his car to leave. Bravo, Felicia. Well played.
Chase getting in to his mini van: “Oh is THIS my fantasy suite? Kick me in the nuts.” YES. Best quote of the episode.
And officially my 2 faves are gone. *tear*.
Rose ceremony – We see the guys wearing similar long sleeve shirts and completely inappropriate outfits for the the weather in Thailand. I’ve never seen so much pit sweat before. Even C Harrison’s back is soaked like he was running from monkeys all the way there.
Jojo tells the guys she let Chase go…. *queue Chase coming down the stairs and everyone looking completely shocked and not at all staged*
Of COURSE he came back to end things on a nicer note. How else would he be in the running for the next Bachelor??? America has to love him. Sweet lord, PLEASE let him be the next Bachelor. He leaves completely content with himself and even makes a friend because the terror monkey in every scene this episode follows him as he leaves. But he’s a gentleman AGAIN and offers the little guy a water. #CHIVALRY.
Jojo congratulates the guys on both being there and lets the cat out of the bag that they both love her…so if they didn’t know before…now they do. So there’s that.
Now I have to go watch the Men Tell All. Please send more rosé. Postmates me.