A Broken Heart & A Ring No One Paid For : The Final Rose

I love the whole “Live” rose ceremony with the dramatic audience being instructed when to “ooooo” and when to clap. Talk about authentic, huh? Plus, they will evidently use any excuse to bring Chad and his security guard back in to a dicey situation. As for Ben and Lauren from the previous season in the audience….. wouldn’t that be awkward? First off, the men this season make Ben look like a reject politician (oh wait, irony…). Lauren B is either thinking “Wait, I could have held out for one of THOSE hotties? DAMMIT” or “Super excited to watch the other girl Ben had sex with last season find her fairytale. Someone get me a drink”.

LAST DRINKING GAME! Every time Chris says “Greenbay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers” in entirety, drink a bottle of chardonnay.

Jordan meets Jojo’s family. Remember the last time she introduced a dude on tv to her family? I was ready to see her strangely incestuous angry brothers rear their heads again but they seem, like super calm, nah? Maybe a free trip to Thailand calmed them down a bit? WTF are these cheap wicker hats Jordan thinks are a funny cheesy gift? Didn’t they have a bath and body works at the airport?

Jojo’s mom: “Promise me you won’t break her heart, playboy”

Aaron Jordan Rodgers: “Absolutely not.” Actual quote. I think you did that wrong.

Side note – Jojo’s mom forgot a brush this trip. Also, get the woman some champagne.

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Jordan has seriously brainwashed Jojo like a typical ‘good-time-bro’? Why do I say that? Because SHE thanked HIM as he was leaving her family’s place. NO, girl. NO. Just…NO. Also – why didn’t your sister say a freaking word? Bad form. But at least we know what our spirit animal looked like before the nose and boob jobs. Just saying. I’d do it too if it meant I could look like our hottie bachelorette.

Robby meets the family. Jojo continues to single handedly fund Planet Blue because that’s literally where she is getting all of her clothes. I know because I plan on buying everything. (You’re welcome, ladies).

Robby tells a heartwarming story about when they jumped off a cliff together and she said she liked him so he dropped the L bomb on her immediately. Umm…not overzealous at all.

Seriously though- are the brothers on valium!?

Jojo’s family in unison: “PICK ROBBY. PLEASE DON’T PICK JORDAN”

Jojo: “Okay but like…nah. Don’t you want Superbowl seats?” Face palm. Also, only Robby asked her dad for permission to get engaged.

Jojo about Jordan: “He didn’t ask?” Jojo’s mom answers with a “no” and Jojo interrupts the shit out of her “GOD MOM I was talking to DAD. GAWWWD”.

Jojo: “If I pick Robby I’ll be loved forever but if I do that I’ll always wonder what it’s like to get sushi with Olivia Munn and have box seats at Packers games”.

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Last date with Robby. OMG WE GET IT. YOU LOVE HER. They talk about how he’s going to be blowing up her phone when he’s “playing 18 holes” and buy her chilled sauv blanc when they make meatloaf (ew) and watch Netflix. If my fiancé bugged me when he was golfing I would change the locks on my doors. She talks to the camera about how perfect he is for her and how much she loves him. Which is girl-speak for, “too available. Not interested”. Robby gifts her the leftovers from his closet shrine; including a photo of the first time they met..which is just a photo of himself and the back of her head. “This is my favorite”.

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Side note – Jojo’s signature move is the one-armed-crab walk to indian-style lap move. aka Kamasutra page 12. Preferably in a bathing suit.

Date with Jordan. He might as well just walk up and go “sup girl”. I mean….ew. They try and talk about the future but he’s a walking contradiction. She asks why he didn’t ask for her dad’s permission to get married and he feeds her a bunch of BS. She believes all of it even though we see a glimmer of common sense. It quickly disappears.

Jojo: “Are you ready to get down on one knee?”

“IDK. You’ve seen how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet”. Thanks, Cher.

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“Why didn’t he ask my family permission to freaking marry me?” UM, maybe consider that a sign you shouldn’t marry him? Plus, nagging is always a great way to get what you want. That should turn out well.

Rose ceremony. Yah. You guessed it. She chose the brother of Greenbay Packer Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Because box seats and Olivia Munn. She tells Robby she loves him before she tells him his time is up. But at least she keeps him from getting on one knee. Super classy, I’ll give her that.

Jordan calls her parents to ask for permission. This way he can cross his fingers and not have to look them in the eye. “You have our permission, Jordan.” “Thanks, Mrs. Fletcher, but I was directing this question at Mr. Fletcher.”

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“This is the WORST I’VE EVER FELT” …cut to 3 minutes later “THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER – I’m getting engaged!” Emotional stability is a real son of a bitch, I know sister.

After the final rose. Robby wears his grandma’s broach and his teeth are so whitened they are invisible. That posture though…..

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Chad tries to get attention and we all throw up in our mouths a little. We don’t find out who is going to be the Bachelor so production is obviously still torn between no-voice-inflection-cowboy Luke and real-dude-normal Chase. Jojo talks with her hands more than a normal person in order to show off the ring Jordan didn’t pay for.

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Jordan and Jojo finally sit together and talk about how it’s been tough AF for them because every single person in America knows Jordan is a d bag. Jojo looks maybe sort of in love? Jordan looks like he’s reading a teleprompter. So we’ll take your bets on how long this will last.

I am obsessed with her dress though. MEOW, honey.

Thankyou

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