Bachelor in paradise week 1: the land of misfit toys

 

What…the…actual…F

It’s like the land of misfit toys but with humans and actual emotions. Better yet, it’s like the Hunger Games because if you don’t get picked, you are basically dead as a reality tv star.

This is very possibly the most amazing thing I have ever seen. In the history of television, there has never been something this entertaining or ridiculous and I’m obsessed with it. I had my qualms about the show when I started watching it last season but this season is already making me wonder about the safety of our planet and the human race.

lace

First of all – this is easily the greatest intro that has ever been made but I genuinely don’t understand how the producers got these people to make absolute asshats out of themselves for us to see TWICE A WEEK. Evan eating a banana? And Lace falling on her ass? She’s probably the only one who didn’t need a roofie in order to agree to the kitschy shit they make them do for this. I can’t handle Daniel pouring Maple Syrup all over himself but I’d rather watch that 100 times than hear him open his mouth one more time. Carly agreed to pour champagne all over herself and dance like an idiot? Did they sign a waver that they were required to completely wave their right to self respect?

evan.gif

daniel

  • Amanda shows up first because she couldn’t wait to leave her kids again and find another man to introduce them to. She looks perfect as always but maybe needs to take it easy on the spray tan.
  • Nick V shows up for round 3. I’ve never liked him but my feelings are about to change significantly because he ends up being the only catch on this show and I could wash my clothes on his abs.
  • Evan needs to leave even though he just got there “I’ve got my mojo back and I’m packing it in my suitcase for mexico.”- Actual quote. How about no, Evan. You sound like a chid molester.
  • Jubilee comes back – YAWN
  • The Twins are back to continue the shtick that I personally think has gone too far. So much for ‘being your own person’ ladies. Did they not consider how degrading it was to agree to the two-for-one-special producers put them on this season? One stays, they both stay? Classy AF.

Twins

  • Grant comes back – Double YAWN.
  • Lace – YES. F–KING YES. This is exactly what this show needs. I have missed this drunken mess so much. Evidently she went to rehab…no wait, she just read a self help book. Same thing.
  • Jared – I don’t get the obsession with this guy. He literally looks like the guys at the Verizon kiosks that used to sell beepers and flip phone cases back in like 2005. I’m not impressed. Someone explain this to me.
  • Vinny – the worst barber in the world is back and it looks like someone else did his hair for him  – thank god – and he doesn’t look half bad
  • Izzy – no idea who this is and not even going to pretend
  • THE CHAD IS BACK – and now we know it’s going to be good. Get the man some protein!
  • Sarah – The sweet pea that everyone knows for having one arm. She’s way too sweet and genuine to be here – like putting a puppy in a lion’s cage. We all know how it’s going to go.

“Jubez” asks Jared on a date. They explore their lack of chemistry in a jungle of piñatas before a clown comes out of the bushes, scares the shit out of them and then motions jerking off to the camera. Classy, ABC. Also – Jubilee is scared of clowns but not war. So there’s that.

Dan

Daniel thinks the women are all “poodles and yorkies” and there’s “nothing he would touch” but he also refers to himself as herpes so I’m really starting to wonder if he should be allowed to speak in public, drink, operate machinery, or basically function in any capacity in a public area. He belongs in a zoo. A Canadian zoo because I don’t even feel like he should be here. Let’s deport him.

Our dreams come true when Lace and Chad hook up the first night. They both take all the shots that they can find from our favorite Paradise bartender, Jorge, and then start making out aggressively in between fist fights. Evidently all those inspiration post-it notes on her bathroom mirror that Lace claimed help make her a better person weren’t exactly the kind of rehab she needed.

jorge

Chad: “I’ll murder your family”
Lace: “OMG you’re like SO funny” *insert sex noises*
Chad: “I will tie you under a bus with duct tape and make sure you smell like peppermint” actual quote.

TheChad

It’s super disturbing and shockingly goes south VERY quickly. Lace refers to Chad as a male version of the “old Lace”. Unless she is referring to the pre-extensions, pre-eyelash extentions version of herself, I’m going to need a better example. Sarah defends the women after a slur of Chad’s incoherent uses of the C word and telling everyone to “suck a dick” and evidently how he’s going to murder everyone’s family.

Chad: “Why is ARMy mcARMerson mad” about Sarah. SOOO if America didn’t hate him enough before they sure AF do now. Then he passes out in the sand with crabs in his hair and shits his pants. They call that karma, friend.

pants

Our hero, C Harrison kicks Chad off the show in the morning for being a dick. He eloquently responds with “you went to bed last night with a mimosa and robe on. F–K you Chris Harrison” which essentially seals the deal that he will never be part of this franchise again. We also learn that he had told the whole staff of the hotel to suck his dick the night before.

Chris Harrison doesn’t even like mimosas. Everybody knows that.

thechad2

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *