Bachelor in Paradise week 2 : poor Carly

So Chad has left us, AGAIN. Suddenly Lace is far less interesting except for the fact that her eye lash extensions have gone rogue.

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Lace at the hairdresser: “I’m thinking ‘ratchet’ but like also classy”
Hairdresser: “I got this. Someone hand me a blowtorch!”

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Leah joins us in Paradise and nobody in the audience knows who she is. But evidently some of the girls remember her from Ben’s season but this was B.P.S (before plastic surgery) because Leah now has a life raft as her lips and botox that would make a Kardashian go “why would you do that?”. She comes in immediately looking for Chad (not staged at all) saying something about how they both like protein. Is no one going to make a sperm joke? What a missed opportunity.¬†Obviously Chad’s not there so she steps on Amanda’s turf and grabs Nick V.

Nick V and Leah go on a date and show America how it’s possible to kiss someone you have absolutely no chemistry with. “That made me so wet”- Leah about a wave but also being classy AF. I’ll take, ‘trash you shouldn’t say out loud for $100, Bob’.

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Leah: “I think I have all of the qualities you are looking for”
Nick: “Yeah but I’m more in to Amanda… so like nah. But thanks for the date sorta”

BOOM. Leah even tries flirting with Daniel to stick around and not even our deranged Canuck keeps her. She heads home quicker than she came. But I hope she left the inflatable swan because that could be a fun way to escape in paradise for someone else…maybe, say, Carly?

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‘I can’t even’ with Carly and Evan. Before the rose ceremony he kisses her and then tells the camera how perfect it was. Except Carly is crying because it was so gross.

Carly: “Evan gives me erectile dysfunction” – actual quote. OMG YES, ACTUAL QUOTE. And we hear it multiple times. Poor Evan, but also – told you so.

After the rose ceremony Evan gets a date card and Carly goes even though he makes her sterile. She literally doesn’t even bother changing for the date or brushing her hair. Been there, girl. Not worth the effort. You do you, sister. They end up in front of a 1000 people and have to eat the hottest peppers in the world and then kiss for 1.5 minutes to break a world record for “hottest kiss” – which ends up being “world’s most disgusting & uncomfortable kiss. Oh plus a hot pepper”. They pull away and there is a string of saliva I don’t even want to describe. Carly runs to the restroom to throw up “not just from the pepper” and I kind of need to just thinking about it.

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She ends up telling him how gross he is a few days later and we say goodbye to the couple I had dubbed “Kevan” (because Cevan sounds different). Carly’s on the prowl but me thinks she might have some trouble. Call it instinct. But she needs to stay on paradise because she’s the best entertainment me have right now.

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Josh Murray aka Andi Dorfman’s ex aka the guy who was ‘not so nice’ according to her tell-all book, comes to paradise and shockingly swoops in to steal Amanda from Nick V. I used to like Josh before I found out about him being a total D Bag in real life – but it seems like he’s gotten some reality coaching because he’s like a walking Ken doll. And tone the whitening down on the teeth, broseph – it’s like looking directly in to the sun.

Josh successfully pisses of Nick and steals Amanda. From now on we will only hear disgusting swishy makeout noised from Amanda because Josh puts his tongue in her mouth any time she is tempted to speak.

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And while we are all mesmerized by Nick V shirtless and Josh’s shiny teeth, somehow we all missed the moment Daniel and Sarah became a thing? I thought they were all “poodles and dogs”, eh? Christian joins Paradise and steals Sarah so Daniel has to make a last ditch effort to spread those eagle wings and swoop back in. He tells her he would kiss her but he doesn’t want to give her Zika. You sure you don’t mean herpes, Daniel? You DID refer to yourself as the herp last week.

Brendan joins Paradise and not even C Harrison remembers him. Does anyone? No really… please tell me because I have never seen this cheese dick before. Carly falls in love at first site because she is rebounding hard but he ends up picking Emily (or Haley) on the date. Doesn’t matter which though because they pull a switcheroo in the middle of the date and he doesn’t notice. See, girls? This is what happens when you pull the “samesies” shtick for two long.

Best part of the episode is seeing how drunk Emily gets off of one beer. Can we just keep her beered up the whole time? That would be great for me personally in terms of entertainment. K? Thanks.

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Somehow the producer’s convince Evan he has one last shot to make an impression on America before he leaves when he doesn’t get Carly’s rose and this is what he does? He draws up his own date card, gets a fancy envelope from production, and decides to steal….AMANDA??? She’s a little busy trying to procreate with Josh through kissing. “You deserve love, ask Amanda to the treehouse”. He cries while writing this so he’s obviously completely emotional stable, ammiright? To be continued so we’ll see how this goes next week.

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OH and Grant and Lace are a couple now and have sex on camera on accident. BARF.

Jubez goes home because YAWN.

 

 

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