Bachelor in paradise week 3: erectile dysfunctional love

Obviously the suspense was killing us all week waiting to see if Amanda can surgically remove her tongue from Josh’s mouth and fall head over heels for ‘ED Evan’ (erectile dysfunction Evan, if you will). He takes her to a tree house and tells her he wants to see if they have a real connection. So far this guy has confessed love to two women and it’s made them both cry.

This is graphic but I have a theory that he reminds women of a walking, talking, flaccid penis. And frankly, that will make any woman cry – especially one on the hunt for love.

This guy has 3 kids? How? And by that, yes, I mean – someone had sex with him at least 3 times? He wears leather bracelets, for crying out loud. Take it easy, Ryan Cabrera.

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Josh makes out with a cheese pizza while Amanda is being swept off her feet at the treehouse. He seems super worried. Not. But also, does he have to do that obnoxious moaning anytime anything is in his mouth? Between that and the profuse sweating, I think I’d take a hard pass if I were Amanda. Not to mention the sprinkle of potential verbal abuse and the fact that he refers to people as “dog”.

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Side notes: 
Daniel shaves Vinny’s back for him in a scene no one needed to see.
Josh speaks in cliches because of an immense amount of reality tv coaching.
Hailey & Emily evidently cleared out the sales rack at Charlotte Russe before paradise.
The menu at this resort is reminiscent of a child’s lunchbox; pb&J, chicken nuggets, miniature cheese pizzas.

Anywho – rose ceremony comes, and mostly no surprises. Amanda and Josh (“yeeeaaa, dog”) Murray, Lace and Grant, Izzy and Vinny, one of the twins & Jared (whatever), Daniel and…Sara? Um, k. Oh, and the other twin gave her rose to Nick because we need Nick and his abs around and no one knew who TF that Brandon guy was anyway. Brandon? Brenden? Doesn’t matter, he’s Felicia now. Carly gives it to Evan because she doesn’t know what to do but now he thinks he has a chance. Has Carly not been to any of the seminars on self respect? I thought it was mandated as a woman.

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Caila shows up and all the woodland creatures gather around to make her a dress out of curtains and braid her hair like the Disney princess she is. She steals Jared away from a twin. Oops. And for the first time we see Jared actually excited about a girl. I literally don’t know why Jared is a thing? I’m so lost. He looks like he sells beepers and car stereos. Caila wears a strapless bra on her horseback riding date because it’s boob o’clock in paradise.

Vinny, Izzy = Vizzy. Grant, Lace = Grace. Well, Vizzy and Grace go on a double date to a club to do body shots like mature adults. Lace almost gets in a fight like she’s at the jersey shore. “I’ve never been to a foam party before!’ – Lace. Have you ever had hepatitis before? First time for everything.

Ashley I joins us and the world stands still. Between Lace getting slutty quick and Ashley I joining this party, this is hands down the best season of anything ever.

Ashley I wears booties on the beach like she didn’t know where she was going. She applies her makeup like 45 times after crying when she finds out about Caila & Jared until she has so much on her face her cheeks start to droop from the weight.

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She pulls herself together for like 4 minutes to take Daniel on a pity date where tribal men pick her up to sacrifice her because she’s a virgin. So evidently we’re still sticking with believing she’s a virgin. Daniel asks her if she’s interested in fornicating in the near future. So that’s not awkward.

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FINALLY a chick shows up and picks Nick. Problem is that I have no idea who she is but she’s super cute so whatever. Nick and new girl Jen go on a date and get crabs on the beach.

Nick explains to Ashley I before the ceremony that she is bat shit crazy and will never be with Jared because she’s obsessed and might be a sociopath. She takes it super well.

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Evan’s ankles are swollen so he has to go to the hospital and he makes sure Carly has to go, too. I’ve seen some coercing before but the producers are really pushing the boundaries of belief with this one. Is he a pregnant woman? No. He’s just a little bitch. Tell him to go TF to bed and drink some water. Maybe elevate the feet like a person with common sense and access to Web MD.

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To be continued…but in the meantime Ashley will be crying over Jared until her eyelashes give way. This should be fun.

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