Bachelor in paradise week 4: I love lamp?

Ashley is the best part of any show that’s ever been televised. This girl deserves a Olympic medal for her persistence. New sport – triathlon of tears. She can be the Usain Bolt of Bachelor in Paradise.

Jared: “I never want to be with you”
Ashley: “Like EVER EVER or like maybe sometime never but late night on Tuesdays?”

And in case you wanted to see what botox and lip injections will do to your ability to cry, ladies and gentlemen – exhibit A.

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I’m just waiting for Caila to turn from Disney princess to wicked step mother when she realizes she has had enough of this garbage. “I came on this show to find love and get paid to promote tummy tea and Fab Fit Fun boxes on instagram – why is this soooo hard?” Jared proclaims his love for her to the soothing tunes of Ashley wailing in the background.

Ashley: “I’ll never meet anyone like Jared ever ever again” Hit an Applebee’s bar for happy hour, Ashley. Guaranteed you will see like 12 of him. Or Best Buy. Pretty sure I’ve seen him at Best Buy.

Must have been a major sale at Clare’s before paradise because the twins couldn’t fit anymore silver studs and cubics in to their ears if they tried.

Rose Ceremony time – finally. I can’t handle watching Evan and Carly make out anymore. I recently heard him referred to as a woman’s name so I’m adopting it and Evan is officially Eveleyn as of this point on. Daniel refers to himself as an eagle and I’m done keeping track of his f–king spirit animal references. Ashley I, the twins, and Sarah are panicking for Daniel’s rose because he is the wild card – much like he is in life, I’m sure. Sarah bakes him a cake for his half birthday and forgets to bake it all the way through. Emily convinces Haley to kiss Daniel so they can stay, and Ashley I is delusional and thinks her conversation with him about Jared and how obsessed she is is going to warrant him giving her a pity rose.

Daniel to Ashley: ” I think you should just gang bang like 10 dudes in a month and maybe one of them will like you enough to stay” – cut to production asking him about the kama sutra he would show her and why virgins are great lovers. Classy AF.

Daniel ends up picking the twins so Sarah and Ashley are sent home. BUT production was not quite done with Ashley because she makes fabulous television so they let her stay for another round. So I guess we are just living in a free for all now? Which makes Caila nervous….

Caila: “I know she says she’s not in love with him but that was three hours ago. Who knows what could happen in 12 hours?” valid – but also – are you seriously laying love claim after one freaking date? Like, RE-LAX.

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Sarah doesn’t get the memo that the rules are off so she gets to go home solo and lament not picking Christian over Daniel like any normal sane person would have at the last ceremony. That’s what you get.

Enter Carl and Lamp. Because Brett brought a lamp with him so people would remember when he did the same thing on Andi’s season. Guess what? We still don’t remember you, Lamp. Also – this means we have another firefighter and hairdresser. It’s like the producers learned nothing from Gilligan’s island.

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Who are these complete randoms that keep showing up this season. It’s like 100 feet of beach, they really should be a little pickier about who comes and goes. Carl is so memorable that everyone forgets his name – including his date, Emily. They go on a double date with Brett and…Caila? She says yes to going, then no, then yes, then no. She tells Jared she’s not going to go but packs her swimsuit and sunscreen and goes anyway. Emily and Carl dry hump like they are at a Vegas pool party on their double date booze cruise. Which would be shocking but she’s a bottle service girl and he’s a fire fighter – so not shocking, right?

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Here’s a HOT TIP: If Caila is THIS indecisive now? Just imagine how amazing shopping at Ikea would be with her after you use your endorsements to move to LA together. Take a hard pass, Jared.

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WTH is Ryan? Is he here to pick up his daughter with that full head of gray hair? The new “silver fox” sets his sites on Haley; who whored herself to Daniel just to hang out a little longer in paradise.

And who taught Daniel these ridiculous animalism? Evidently the “silver fox is trying to steal Haley the pigeon from papa bear”. Yes, he really said that. Most importantly though – why is Haley a disgusting pigeon? AKA the most foul bird on the planet? Make the girl a sparrow or a Blue Jay or something at least.

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Lace and Grant have decided that their couple name is Grace so basically they are the new Brangelina. He tells her he loves her and she panics because her emotional stability is like a rollercoaster at a discount theme park in Jersey.

MOVING ON TO NIGHT 2. Can we PLEASE NOT DO like 178 hours of this show next season on consecutive days? I could watch the entire Rocky series in the time it takes to watch this every week.

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Vizzy is no more because Izzy can’t fight her lady boner for Brett. She pulls Brett aside and explains that her and Vinny aren’t as strong as Vinny thinks they are because she would like %82.5 bang Bret. Vinny is blindsided and decides to leave. But more importantly – Did anyone catch that Brett is ALSO a hair dresser? So basically she isn’t even upgrading to someone with an actual job. Is this Hair Wars?

Another hot tip: if you’re job doesn’t care if you leave for 5 weeks to do this show, you better hope you find love there among the other misfit toys, because back in reality – real women want a man with real job.

Jade and Tanner come back to visit the group and show them all that all hope is not lost. And also to try and convince viewers that someone might actually fall in real love. They interview each of the couples and some of the loners *cough cough Ashley I* to choose a couple to get a real date. Production makes sure they pick Caila and Jared so they can piss off Ashley some more. Lube up those tear ducts, girl.

Jen wants Nick to open up to her but he’s super busy being standoffish, watching Josh and Amanda make out through their bedroom window, and cutting his jeans to make them in to jorts. Did he not pack enough actual shorts that this is what we have to resort to? Are there no stores on this 100 foot stretch of beach?

Evelyn and Carly go on a date to some sweat lodge ritual place so they can use voodoo magic to convince Carly that he is not as repulsive as he is. He called an ambulance FOR HIS ANKLES SWELLING. He couldn’t have picked something a little less wussy than that? Come on. If you’re going to go for it, you have to go all in – not dip your toes in like a woman.

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We end this episode after Caila confronts Ashley I about her telling Jared to be careful. What’s worse than Ashley I’s level of Swimfan love for Jared is the fact that he would actually even sorta kinda listen to advice from her about Caila. Are these people for real? God I hope so.

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