Bachelor in paradise week 5: let’s taco-bout it

We come back to paradise to watch the end of Caila giving Ashley I a passive aggressive, swift kick to the nuts. She tells Ashley that Jared loves her like a sister. And this isn’t Kentucky so basically, time to move on.

Ashley I prays to her dead dog that “some guy” will come to paradise and save her. Why she doesn’t just ask out Jorge, I will never know. Jorge the bartender is the only guy in paradise with a job, after all. And he’s the guardian of the booze! It would be a no-brainer for me. #teamJorge

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So Josh’s dog had cancer and Ashley’s dog passed away? Why are all the dogs dying? I’m NOT okay with this.

Ashley’s dog prayers come true and Wells comes walking down the stairs to paradise dressed like a young sailor as she is chugging vodka and lemonade. Nice boat shoes. He talks to everyone in the group and they basically force him to pick Ashley I for his date but he’s cool with it because of her instagram is “fire”. Millennials in a nut shell, ammiright? Check out that double death grip kiss thing they have going…

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Ashley: “I like his tacos and his face”. actual quote.

Side notes: Wells is a Snapchat GOD, and Ashley should be careful with that boob sweat. I feel you, girl. The struggle is real.

Wells takes Ashley on a date to eat the most difficult-to-eat-looking tacos I’ve ever seen because they have a lot to “taco bout”. They start with Jared and move on to music. Turns out Wells’ favorite band is the Talking Heads and Ashley’s is Hanson. Why am I not surprised? They make out and Wells asks if a baby has ever been conceived in paradise so maybe he didn’t get the memo that Ashley’s taco is off limits. A well-groomed street dog comes up and obbbvvvviously it must be Ashley’s dead dog Lucy giving them a blessing. Maybe don’t pet the random stray dog that production managed to wrangle up? I love dogs, too, but I don’t love rabies. And Wells pretending to be the voice of the dog is grounds for a ‘hard pass’.

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They light a wish lantern and it bursts in to flames. Might want to shoot that dog a prayer again.

Meanwhile Caila and Jared make out and I can’t help but think they look like brother and sister a little.

Lace gets drunk and flirts with Carl in front of Grant. Newsflash: Grant’s pissed. They get in to another fight and she gives her lash extensions a run for their money with another round of tears.

Nick tries to have some alone time with Jen and Josh intervenes by saying that he and Amanda are actually planning on sleeping together in the boom boom room. Problem with that is that Amanda already went to bed alone, which is NBD except that Josh flips TF out at her and America gets to see how controlling of a douchebag he really is. Let the girl sleep – damn! Sometimes we just need some alone time so we can fart while we sleep in peace.

America: “Andi was right”. Time to add her book to your reading list.

Also: Josh hasn’t sued Andi for slander. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT’S ALL TRUE.

Rose ceremony: Daniel finally goes home and the twins decide they are done with paradise. BUT not before they pull Amanda aside and tell them that watching Josh and her is like watching a reenactment of the movie Fear. Bitch better run, because he’s getting scary and I’m afraid he’ll use those big chompers to eat her alive. He and Nick start a fight and he yells at everyone before asking Nick why he dislikes him. You’ve cockblocked him twice and stolen his girls – did you think he wouldn’t think you are a dick? All of America thinks you are a dick, Josh. At least Amanda is starting to see true colors.

Jami shows up with her unfortunate humidity hair. No one else is awake so she asks Wells and everyone panics while he is on a date with her since that was the only reason Ashley I was acting sane.

Caila decides to leave because hurricane Ashley is messing with her princess vibe. Jared chases down the SUV and leaves with her. If all else fails outside of paradise, he can always go back to his job at Applebees.

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Lauren H from Ben’s season shows up and I love her. Her best moment was waking up with her retainer in and zit cream on Ben’s season like a real person. It’s a little weird though that we watched a literally 5 minutes of every guy complimenting her outfit. So I guess…take notes, ladies! Florals and gladiators evidently get the blood pumpin for these bros. Then Shushanna the Russian mail order bride shows up. Lauren and Shushanna take Brett and Wells on a date. Turns out Wells is quite the ladies man but now Izzy is panicking as well. Maybe these hairdressers just aren’t the smart choice? DING DING DING.

Anyone else hear Wells call Shushanna’s butt her derriere? Thanks for the insight, gramps. And Shushanna has wish bracelets? Is she 12 years old? What the actual F.

Meanwhile Evan aka Evelyn and Carly make out and Evan gets a boner, which was the LAST F–KING THING I EVER CARED TO SEE. And now I can’t unsee it and the world is over. But the only thing worse than the Evelyn boner is the dirty ass smack he gave her before she jumped on him.

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Another reason why I’m obsessed with Nick and he’s literally the best:
Nick to Ashley: “Have you ..um..maybe considered that you’re not getting a rose this week? Cuz you should do that”.

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Josh and Amanda go on a date and it’s boring AF. Which is all part of the plan because he speaks to her like he pulled his script from the Webster definition of “abusive boyfriend”.

Amanda: “I’m a good judge of character”.
America: “Obviously not”

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Also – Wells evidently doesn’t have a type because he likes all 3 girls he went on dates with and they  are literally opposites. Wells’ type: breathing.

SPOILER ALERT: Nick must end up single since.. because….BACHELOR!!!!! (stay tuned for that post) but I’m not ready to see him leave paradise since he is the best guy on that beach.

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Ooooooooo…. What I would give to have Andi show up and really mess with Josh’s world.

 

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