Bachlor in paradise: The FINALE

It took us all 43729478237 hours to get there but the finale has finally happened. I’m almost positive I could have learned Mandarin or knit my dog a closet of winter sweaters with the time I spent engaging in this absolute madness, but it’s all worth it in the end, kids.

SPOILER ALERT – we all know Nick Viall is the bachelor so I basically spent the entire time watching trying to pretend like I didn’t already know that he dropkicks poor Jen to the curb in the end. I love that Nick’s bio still just says “runner up”. Well, jokes on us because it’s going to be his time to shine. Spread those peacock feathers, Nick. The caterpillar shall become a beautiful butterfly.

nick

butterfly

Tierra – aka the Chicken Enthusiast that everyone made fun of comes to paradise with like 13 seconds left to find love. She’s told not to “cluck it up” on her date card but Nick swoops in and probably gives her some real talk about what a joke it is that she came so late. “You’re going to end up back at home surrounded by pictures of your chickens and cocks so you should just give that card to me to use” Tierra: “Cluck it. It’s all yours” (see what I did there)

So Jen and Nick finally get their date a la chicken girl. Jen is STUNNING but she needs a redbull or some pep or something because I dozed off 12 times during their date. They go to a fortune teller and we all know how reliable that fortune’s gonna be. Almost as reliable as finding love on a 100 foot stretch of dirty beach with a bunch of jobless hotties? Just saying.

Izzy goes home because the second hair dresser in her love story has decided he likes Lauren better than her. Ahhh, the irony. She calls Vinny from the car to say she’s made a huge mistake and Vinny impresses us all by standing his ground and telling her “thanks but no thanks. And also, f–k you”. PREACH VINNY PREACH. Sorry Izzy, no free hair cuts and scalp massages for you. For shame.

Huge mistake

Rose Ceremony – the Russian mail order and Chicken girl go home and no one is shocked. Then Brett, who is already the reason Izzy left, decides he’s tired and could use a nap so he mic drops and leaves Lauren in the dust. So they go home too. Oh and Jami leaves. Jami who? Exactly.

Wells risks his life to have real talk with Ashley “We’re not in love and we’re not getting engaged.” Ashley: “WT actual F are you talking about? Of course we are”. So they both go home and Ashley gets unhinged in the car on the ride out. All I can think of is, what if they end up on the same flight!? I would pay to see that. Screw the final rose, let me in on the plane ride action back.

mrs iglesias

Grant and Lace decide to get dirty free tattoos in Mexico because that’s where you should go for a little needle-to-the-skin action.

free tattoo

Carly and Evan get weird covered in paint and roll around with some topless old woman who calls herself an “artist”. And for the love of God, NOBODY wants to see Evelyn’s boner so can we just stop unleashing it on the poor audience? K thx.

Amanda and Josh play soccer with some inner city kids because it’s basically the same as getting to know her kids? Sorry, not following. And I’m not convinced that Josh wouldn’t drop kick a child if he was a coach. So nice try, production, but America still thinks he’s a dick.

Final rose time!

Evan asks Carly to “freakin marry me”. Ugh. Between that and the fact that he said they are “hashtag blessed” makes me want to rip my eyes out. Which would also stopped me from seeing what Carly wore for this. Did you run out of normal clothes? What has happened to this girl’s judgement?

Evan and Carly

Nick tells Jen that something is telling him to say goodbye. Um yah, duh – the producers. He blames it on his unsure heart but also has a sniffle fit and a pseudo seizure while he dumps her. All I could think of was that they needed to get a paramedic out there because he was huffing and crying like he was having an epileptic fit. Maybe if Jen hadn’t ruined her beauty with that weird Forever 21 chiffon skirt things would have turned out differently.

nick sniffle

Grant proposes to Lace after their awkward morning discussing how unsure he is. Which is good because being unsure about an engagement but being totally fine with a permanent reminder that says “Grace” on your wrist is pretty much an ass-backwards way of thinking. Also, she is wearing the dress I was going to get for my engagement photos so now thats f–king ruined. Hopefully she goes home and fires whatever high school friend she hired to do her extensions and gets her shit together because she obviously has good tastes in clothes…sometimes at least.

grace

Josh proposes to Amanda while participating in a wet t shirt contest. Seriously – is he okay? Did he jump in the ocean when we weren’t looking? Someone get that medic back here because there is no way that’s healthy. And Amanda is all snuggled in to his arm pit pretending like she’s not sticking to his sweaty wet chest. I’ve never seen someone that covered in sweat before.

sweat

Why did Amanda get the biggest ring though? Carly’s is like 1/3 the size and she has to deal with Evelyn.

Whatever. Best part is Chris Harrison practicing his acting when he hammers a “Closed For the Season” sign in to the sand as we leave paradise.

Time for the bachelor! Moving on!

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