Well, well, well…. we meet again, Bachelor Nation. I’m back back back at it and excited to sprinkle my opinions all over your brain cookies again this season. It’s finally 2017! Time for all that “New Year, new me BS”. And most importantly, time for a new season! Get off that treadmill and grab some wine and let’s all watch the madness begin again.
ABC has revealed the line up for this season and I just have so many feels. So many words. So many ‘WTF’s already and I haven’t even heard any of these broads speak.
Have you checked out this list? Let me just go over some choice highlights so you can prepare yourself for our Hipster Bachelor’s slew of beauties. Hipster Bachelor? Yes, because he lives in Silverlake and he owns a midcentury type writer, highwater jeans, and is unconsciously yet consciously mainstream. He’s also been taking acting lessons for years from what my contacts tell me. So the whole preview of him in Chicago like he’s still some business man just makes me want to stress eat. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers, but I would if he tried to relate the crumbs to the pitfalls of societal norms. Nobody wants a steampunk refrigerator and Edison lightbulbs in mason jar fixtures in their bedroom, let’s be honest. Moving on….
Anywho, lets meet some of these hoes. I mean that as endearingly as possible, obviously.
Alexis is 23, an aspiring dolphin trainer, and wishes she was a mermaid. Way to start off strong, ABC. Aspiring dolphin trainer? Does that mean you just swim around in your pool and boss your dog around like Flipper? Don’t we all know what happen to Flipper in the end? Or maybe you just really like captive animals in unfit habitats so you can watch them wither away and die of broken hearts separated from their families so you can entertain a bunch of white trash. Because SeaWorld is really doing well these days? And girls need to stop wishing they were mermaids. They are like the hookers of the sea and essentially harpy murderers when you think about it. Plus I’m sure their hair smelled like mildew.
Angela is a model (ugh, seriously?), likes to lick the popcorn bag, and wishes she were a dolphin.
For christ sakes, I’m 2 in and I’m already seeing pattern.
Astrid has an awesome name and a sweet gig as a plastic surgeons office manager so we are officially going to be best friends. She also looks like a brunette Heather Altman. She can’t live without her lashes.. and if she could be an animal, she would be a….dolphin…
I just can’t.
Briana is 28 and also wants to be a mermaid or a dolphin. Briana is also not going to make it super far just by the looks of it. Not to be mean…but I guess kinda.
Brittany is a nurse afraid of snakes. Corrine is from Miami and you can tell. Danielle L is from LA and her face screams “IM ON TINDER”…but she owns her own business and does not want to be a dolphin so that’s a bonus. Danielle M might be the prettiest by far, thinks a pegasus is a real animal, and her fiancé passed away so now we have our resident sad story for the season.
Dominique is a server in LA, which is code for unemployed actress, and she can’t live without Chipotle Burritos. Liz is ….wait for it….a doula – which means she has no medical qualifications but really likes babies and has convinced some people to let her between their legs after she read “birthing for dummies”. Actual quote: “If I never had to _____, I would be happy.” Insert “Kill someone”. Wait… WTF? But also, I hear Liz has actually met Nick before and there might have been a little hanky panky. Turns out she was MOH for Jade & Tanner’s wedding… so there could be some truth there.
…ok I’m not going to bore you with too much more of this but I WILL say that this season might be “SO RAVEN” and to keep your eyes on contestants Vanessa & Corrine. They’ve sprinkled in a few grade school teachers, nurses, account managers, and a token pilates instructor for good measure. Also, they kept this season ethnically diverse leading me to believe we might be heading for our first African American Bachelorette next season. IT’S ABOUT TIME, ABC.
I won’t give too many spoilers even though I really really want to. But also I want to save some of my sass for the breakdown after episode one..which airs on JANUARY 2nd!!! Grab the tequila, it’s almost time!