That’s dolphinately a shark costume: Week 1 Recap

The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived! Nick V is like the RA in the Bachelor Nation dorm – the Van Wilder of the franchise – the long lost son of Chris Harrison. And he’s back, for the 27347 time to try and find love. This is it. No really…this is it – otherwise he’s going to end up on Couples Therapy or some other quasi-reality show because he’s done everything else now.

We start the episode with a whole lotta nude Nick V sweaty and running around, a completely necessary shower scene (not that we’re complaining), and then shot of Nick wearing a messenger bag walking around Chicago as if he is still living there and working an every-day-man’s job. Again, let’s remember he lives in Silverlake and is taking acting lessons so all I can think about is what he has in that hipster man-purse. Perhaps beard oil? Steampunk laptop? Some sort of ironic yet existential piece of literature about the righteousness of millennial entitlement? Or maybe just “Man Buns for Dummies” and some growth serum.

ABC kills it with the flashbacks that remind us how much hotter he’s gotten but that he still has a speech impediment.

Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe pow wow with Nick to give him some dos and donts for the season. Why is Chris giving advice? Also, Sean looks like he was dragged there kicking and screaming. Ben Higgins looks like he just came from his SATs every time we see him; really hitting us with some top notch fashion, Benny boy. Also – farmer Soules is slaying me with the high pitch laughter and matching beer gut.

Now it’s time to meet these future instagram celebrities & fashion bloggers. Let’s break down all of the women who are fighting for Fab Fit Fun box sponsorships, shall we?

Side note: All these bitches wore red.

  • Rachel – Lawyer – wears flip flops on long walks and dry humps her vacuum in her free time
  • Danielle L – Nail salon owner, looks like a real life photoshop product. Ugh not fair.
  • Vanessa – Teacher – is perfect and tall and speaks French but wears snakeskin leggings and stilettos to teach special needs kids, which I find problematic. Second least fave dress of the night…where did she find that? The elderly dress section at JC Penny?
  • Josephine – nursing student  – looks like Vienna from Jake’s season, and just as crazy but with worse extensions
  • Raven – Boutique owner – “family faith and football”…and spray tanning evidently
  • Corrine – did Legally Blonde as her intro video, still has a nanny, and her daddy let’s her type on his computer and pretend she’s working
  • Alexis – our aspiring dolphin trainer that wears a sumo suit to the grocery store …someone is taking “dare to be different” just a little too far. She shows up in a shark suit and claims to be a dolphin…before she gets blacked out…and after…
  • Danielle M – Neonatal nurse – Super cute and needs a headband for that mop
  • Taylor – Mental Health Counselor??? On the bachelor?? I seriously can’t.
  • Liz – Doula (aka not an actual nurse) – Had a one night stand with Nick already. Makes him very uncomfortable.
  • Elizabeth – Marketing Manager – lots of southern accents on this season so far?
  • Christen – Wedding Videographer – shopped for her neon yellow dress in the adult section of the Toddlers & Tiara’s superstore. Also forgot brush. Lipstick on teeth a la Ms. Geist from Clueless
  • Kristina – Dental Hygienist – Foreign….possibly looking for green card
  • Angela – Model – Best dress of the night by far
  • Lauren – Law School Graduate – Last name is Hussy and thinks it’s funny that together hers and Nick’s last names make them a “disgusting slut” – best couple name EVER! Move over brangelina.
  • Michelle – Food Truck Owner – WAIT, WHICH ONE, WHICH ONE?
  • Dominique – Restaurant Server – aka out of work actress
  • Ida Marie – Sales Manager – Second best dress of the night
  • Olivia – Apparel Sales Rep from Alaska – I hope that fur is faux, you murderer
  • Sarah – Grade School Teacher – razzes Nick for the 54675843 about being a runner up..by, guess what…running up to him, literally
  • Jasmine G- Pro Basketball Dancer – brings Neil Lane as her escort so turns out he’s doubling down on advertising space this season.
  • Hailey – Photographer – “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” Nick: “I don’t” Hailey: “Neither do I”. Classy AF.
  • Astrid – Plastic Surgery Office Manager – speaks dirty in German so it doesn’t even sound sexy. When I think of sex, I think of Hitler’s native tongue
  • Jamie – Chef – member of LGBT community and tells Nick she has balls before she puts one of those hideous nose rings that belongs to a bull in her nose
  • Briana – Surgical Unit Nurse – looks like a toy piglet
  • Susannah – Account Manager – of what, we do not know. Gives him a beard massage. Umm..ok.
  • Brittany – Travel Nurse – so many effing nurses
  • Jasmine B – flight attendant – yawn
  • Whitney – Pilates Instructor – there’s always one
  • Lacey – Digital Marketing Manager – rides in on a camel and makes a joke about him liking the humps. This isn’t tinder, Lacey, go home.

Nick to every girl “you look fantastic, nice dress” *stares at boobs*.

Nick eats a raw hotdog with Josephine, which I feel like must be code for raw-doggin somehow but I can’t quite bridge the gap yet. All these ladies are pissed they wore red.

ABC is finally taking a serious swing at diversity this season and making sure to tap in to the LGBT community at the same time. And animal lovers with the dolphin, of course, because if they’re going to over-achieve, why not reach for the stars?

I have to give it to Alexis for her dedication and belief system – she didn’t break shark/dolphin character once the whole night! In fact, she got deeper connected to the role by getting in the pool and performing her mating call. Nick can tell she might be smokin hot under that costume so he keeps her around. And she wore heels like a champ. Not just any heels – platforms. GASP.

Liz is the real gem of this episode. She is the definition of delusional with those crazy eyes and repetitively reminding the camera that she’s already seen Nick’s ‘little bachelor’. Except she didn’t want to give him her number that night and now she wants to get back in to his ‘penis-mansion’. He calls her out and she has a chance to explain herself…which she promptly blows entirely like a true hoe. So she’s only here because he’s the bachelor – which is weird because she is at least a hard 3 points under him on the ‘looks scale’; not that I’ve created one.. haha, jk – of course I have.

Jasmine G matches the couch with that teal dress. And then cries first. So there’s that.

Corrine explains the tokens are good for hugs…. and other things. I believe that’s called being a hooker…but she is from Miami so maybe that’s not clarified in that part of Florida. “I have the biggest crush on him RIGHT NOW”….you met him 45 mins ago. Relax. Liz: “I kissed him 9 months ago. I’m not worried”. I would be MORE worried ….bc he doesn’t seem to care too much. Ammiright?

Vanessa hates flowers?? Wrong show, sweet cheeks.

Rachel gets the first impression rose.

The sun is UP when the rose ceremony ends. I still don’t understand how it takes THAT long to button that shit up and get the rose ceremony over with. And only a few of these girls looks as tired and drunk as I would be at that point.

All set for “the most dramatic season” of the bachelor.. because the rest have been so tame.

 

 

 

 

 

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