Nick picks the A squad for his first group date. “Always a bridesmaid” is their clue. How cliche. Nick is really squeezing all the juice out of his whole “runner up” act, ammiright?
Rachel wants to continue to make first impressions with him so I can only assume they didn’t teach her in law school that after the first first impression, they are just called impressions.
Anywho – back to this group date. The girls run to these lame blue Buicks like they’ve never seen a convertible before. Or were they Hondas? Who knows. Let’s go grab some orange mocha frapaccinos!
They get to their date and it’s a photoshoot in the hills with a male photographer wearing a painfully small set of shorts. I mean, a romper. Yes, that’s most definitely a romper and judging from the pattern, I’d say Summer 2016 Forever 21 resort collection. I was distracted the entire time with my concern for this poor man’s balls.
What’s the theme of this shoot? Wedding photos. I mean, come on ABC. Nick: “Theres nothing more appropriate for a first date then seeing what your wedding photos would look like”. I can’t.
Alexis is given “shot gun bride” – which she evidently didn’t even know was not code for “cool bride that likes guns”. Corrine looks like Tiffany Trump and I find it distracting. She gets to be a “beach bride” which is actually a pool bride because they aren’t really at the beach..they are in some random Air BNB pool. Corrine takes her top off and forces Nick to hold her boobs a la Janet Jackson. “No one’s ever held my boobs like that before. My dad would be so proud – even though I got naked”. Totally.
Brittany looks super hot but…. “Adam & Eve” bride? What the actual F does that even mean? Oh, I know…it was an excuse to put Nick’s little bachelor in a leaf covered banana hammock because, ratings. Vanessa is an 80s bride covered head to tow in lace and Taylor is our princess bride. It takes her .2 minutes to get a complex and go all rogue-Disney-princess thinking she’s got this in the bag. Remember folks, MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR.
Corrine gets the rose, because, boobs. And also booze, because she is getting progressively drunker and her extensions are getting flatter and greasier right before our eyes. Nick said like 4 words this entire date. How is this a date? Did he really just want to show his acting range by dressing up in different personas for 4 hours? And can someone please get him some tanner for those pasty man thighs.
And then Corrine drunkenly lectures the girls and signs off with the only thing better than a mic drop, a Gossip Girl exit.
Let’s talk about Liz aka Tina Fey. She’s back at the house pretending she doesn’t want people to know she’s seen the D when in actuality, it’s the ONLY THING SHE HAS TO SAY. It’s literally the only thing she has talked about but she still has not acknowledged her back tattoo and I need to know what it is and more importantly.. why. Liz tells Christen all the deets of her bang sesh with Nick like they are besties and not competing for the same man. Awkwarddd.
One on one with Danielle M – Nick and Danielle take a helicopter to Newport Beach so they can get in a hot tub on a boat. I’m surprised it took a second episode before we saw our first hot tub. “The ocean looks great, but let’s get in to this chemical-filled lobster pot instead.” 20 bucks says one of them pees in it. We find out Danielle’s ex fiance was an addict and overdosed before Nick gives her unsolicited advice on coping with her loss. She gets a rose…because we’d hate him if she didn’t.
Second group date is to the Museum of Broken Relationships and Nick wrangles up the B squad. How the F–K did I live in LA for 10 years and never go to this magical place? Of course there is a Party-City quality fake ring meant to be the one that Nick used to propose to Kaitlin – whomp whomp. “Here’s the ring that I tried to give Kaitlin. If she had taken it, I wouldn’t be here with you hoes” Ladies: “oooo, awwww, you’re so sensitive.” Again, they learn nothing about one another on this date and it’s another opportunity for Nick to practice his acting skills while they run through bunch of fake breakup scenarios… Except for Liz, who writes him a letter detailing the emotions she went through during their one night stand. For one goddamn night, she sure does have a ton of feelings. Take it easy, Glen Close. Nick could not be more uncomfortable around her the whole day and tries to avoid her as much as possible. Liz: “When we spent the night together, I wasn’t ready to let you fully in.” Nick: ” Pretty sure I was fully in a few times that night”. He sends her home because he doesn’t want to get murdered. Also because of that skort/peplum Easter romper she is wearing.
People, STOP WEARING ROMPERS. Make that your 2017 resolution.
Alexis the dolphin shark wins this episode for bringing birthday cupcakes for her new boobs on a date with Nick.