I saw you ride her : Week 3 Recap

I have so many mixed emotions right now about Nick turning a hard left in to “typical bro-ville”. I love that he’s treating this season like a live action Tinder date. Swipe swipe swipe….

Let’s start with the end of the cocktail party where he tells all the ladies that he had sex with Liz. Cut to – a bunch of girls that have known him for 178 seconds pretending to either not care or that they feel completely betrayed when they are really all just wondering how big it is and if he was distracted by her tattoo while they were doing it. I need to know what it was of! It’s driving me nuts. From afar, I’m pretty sure it was a picture of a dragon humping a tiger while riding a skateboard – basically, it was Ed Hardy art. Well, now that he knows that most of them don’t care where he dips his rose, let’s take it a step further and see if he just starts having sex with them IN the bachelor mansion. Why wait for fantasy suites? Maybe the producers can make one of the rooms in to a ‘smush room’ like Jersey Shore! I’m dying to hear Alexis say “T SHIRT TIMMMMMMEE” because she couldn’t remind me more of Sam; well minus the beefed up boyfriend and the latex mini skirts. Anywho…

CORRINE IS LIFE. This bitch is great television; I can’t even handle it. Her and the “platinum vagine” are going to stick around to at least  the final four for sure. The fact that she peaced TF out and went to sleep during the rose ceremony just gives me all the feels. Also – she smiles like a serial killer when she’s sleeping…which makes it even more beautiful. But honestly, everyone needs to lay off her for catching some z’s. It’s like 5 AM by the time this hipster has handed out the roses. I would be tired AF too! Plus, she spent all of her emotional energy having a mental breakdown after revealing her self worth can only be validated by men wanting to insert themselves inside her. I hope she showered before bed after having that whipped cream all over her honkers. I for sure thought that we were all being tricked by ABC in to watching the worst porn ever made. And bravo to producers for slightly covering the Reddiwhip label – not much – but just enough to say “watch us not have to pay royalties for this shit”.

Hailey goes home with a drugstore claw clip in her hair (again, it’s like 5am and that’s when we all turn in to a pumpkin if we’ve been up all night so I hear you, girl). But she also decided not to bother with double sided tape and wear that dress the way it was intended so she probably went home for her poor fashion sense. Although, showing boob seems to intrigue our bachelor so this choice confused me.

Group date : dancing with the Backstreet Boys! I don’t give AF what anyone says, EVER – BSB FOR LIFE. I would have lied my ass off to get on the show JUST for this date. Me to fiancé: “Hold this ring, I’ll be back”. Watching the girls run at these guys and jump on them was 6th grade me screaming inside.

PS – was anyone else an AJ fan? I’m in to it. Then and now. I see you, AJ…I see you. And can someone tell Kevin to lighten up? He’s obviously pissed off that they are there but he should take a page out of Howie’s book. Mostly because Howie is happy to be anywhere since, well, he’s the Howie.

Danielle wins the rose and Nick gets handsy. Anyone else noticing that his INITIAL instinct is always to put his hands on their asses like he doesn’t have to ask?

Corrine: “I’m not good at planned dancing”. Oh, sweetie. Do you have a tutor to go with that nanny?

And another thing – does this chick think she is Blair Waldorf? Sure, Raquel makes a mean cucumber sandwich and cheese pasta but she’s no Dorota …so stop trying to make that happen. XOXO Gossip Girl.

Nick has a 1 on 1 date with Vanessa where they experience zero gravity in flight and she barfs up all the sushi and cocktails that producers have jammed down these girls throats. And don’t even get me started on the fact that Nick is more eager than ever to put his tongue down her throat after she hurls. Even if he offered to kiss her, she should have politely declined. That’s disgusting and I’m pretty sure you get hepatitis that way. Ok, that might be harsh but I need to hammer in that point.

Another Group Date – sports, yuck. Also, another excuse to see the girls in yoga pants. They fight to win 30 seconds in a hot tub with Nick. Desperate much? Dominique has her first ever conversation with Nick and he sends her home. Dominique: “You haven’t given me a fair chance”. Nick: “That’s fair….what’s your name again, though?”

Pool party instead of a cocktail party. Quick – everyone try to act completely shocked! Nick? Wanting to check out the merch and get handsy before he makes a decision on who’s going home? Never…..*eye roll*

Corrine gets a bouncy house and dry humps Nick in it in front of everyone and he’s loving it. Does he think they don’t see when he does this stuff? He acts like there’s no camera….???…..Vanessa lays in on him and threatens to leave if he doesn’t give it to her straight. Not the peen, the truth, that is.

Vanessa: “Do you want a WIFE? Or do you want to just bone everyone”.
Nick: “Option C – all of the above and in no particular order”

 

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