So I’m grouping together weeks 4 and 5 for this recap. Why? Because I’m busy – back off.
But also – because it’s been boring AF and every time I go to write it, I fall asleep on the keyboard. Sort of a snoozefest this season, don’t ya think?
Let’s just try and get through this together, shall we? I’ll make it short and sweet. Well, not sweet, but I’ll make it short.
Corrine and her platinum vagine keeps talking about how she is “not privileged in any way shape or form”, except for her Slovakian hooker extensions and the fact that she has Raquel to make her cheese pasta on the daily while she bangs on her daddy’s keyboard and calls it work. She actually handles Taylor like a champ during this blowout and I’ve decided that Taylor is just a mean girl with scary brows.
Raven wears colonial garb with sleeves to the rose ceremony before she goes to churn some butter and Corrine must have missed nap time because she’s barely awake when we say goodbye to Christen; who leaves like the morning after a one night stand – pissed off, tired, uncomfortable in a slutty dress, and wanting her night back. Le sigh.
The girls find out that they are going to exciting and exotic…..WISCONSIN! (This is why I’m falling TF to sleep). They head to Milwaukee and Nick takes Danielle L on a one on one Tour De Dumpville. Like, can we get over the Nick-gets-dumped-pity-party please? He is literally showing her where he first got humped and dumped and it’s making it weird.
OH OH and your last ex girlfriend just happens to be sitting inside a coffee house window that you walk by with a full mic on to allow for “spontaneous” conversation? Come TF on. Do the producers really think we are going to fall for that? The 3 of them have a boring conversation about Nick’s inadequacies and we move on. The best thing about this date is that I hear that Danielle’s nipples are coming out of her dress all night but they wanted to give her the good edit so they cut it out. But seriously, those suckers are begging for air. FREE THE NIPPLE!
Nick: “When’s the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?”
Danielle: ” All the time!”
Guys, this is the stuff love is made of. Those hard hitting questions.
Group date: Shoveling “poopie” and milking cows. I’m sorry but Corrine is all of us on this date. “I don’t know why we have to shovel poopie?” YOU DON’T. None of you do! But I bet Nick’s getting a good laugh that he was able to make you do it just to make out with him. There’s literally nothing romantic about this date at all except for watching Jami show off her nipple caressing skills, because she’s been there. Corrine needs sushi and so do the rest of us.
Vanessa gives Nick a creepy AF book that she claims her students made about her love journey with Nick. So, is this why students are doing with education funding these days? Sifting through your instagram selfies and creating creepy family albums covered in glitter? A bit of a stretch.
Kristina says she has had a tough life and would love to tell him more about it but he politely declines.
Kristina: “I’ve had a really rough life and would love to share – ”
Nick: “Nah, I’m good. Maybe some other time”.
Date with Raven. They go to Nick’s sisters soccer game and then to a roller rink. So basically we are watching 14 year olds on a date. Raven has to convince Bella she isn’t a total pyscho and then Nick and Raven head to dinner where she explains that she beat the SH-T out of an ex that she caught in bed with another women. With a stiletto to the face, to be exact. So I kind of love her more than ever but I’m still bored AF.
Side note: The bloopers every episode with Alexis are the best part of this show. She’s afraid of Nicholas Cage. Same girl, same.
Corrine is either the smallest person alive or she is being given the largest champagne flutes I have ever seen. Josephine is shocked EVERY time her name is called. And we say goodbye to Astrid this rose ceremony. Probably because we all keep getting her confused with Whitney. They have the same face. It’s a thing, I swear.
Next stop – New Orleans! What happened with this travel itinerary, ABC? And I know people love New Orleans but I’m sorry to say I think it’s a smelly damp Southern version of Las Vegas and I’m not in to it. Or Las Vegas. But I felt like I needed a shower and an escort every time I went out on Bourbon Street so I’m not feeling this.
He has a date with Rachel while the other girls are holed up in a Marriott…because ABC springs for the best. They have their own second-line (parade) down the street…which: News Flash – they do those for funerals and also if you hand the police department 20 bucks so I’m not impressed.
Group Date: Haunted house with a oija board. What’s next – 7 minutes in heaven? Does he want to play light as a feather, stiff as board….with his penis? I know, I’m so quippy. Anywho – they piss off the ghost of a child named May that looks like a child version of George Washington.
Back at the house Corrine orders the best room service ever. Wings, steak, fries, and champagne for a bubble bath. SPIRIT ANIMAL.
2 on 1 with Corrine and Taylor. “Make American Corrine Again”. They go out to the bayou for some voodoo lessons and spiritual work and all I can think is “Oh HELL naw”. This girl don’t mess with the spirit realm.
Corrine asks for a voodoo doll of Taylor and Taylor takes Nick off to the side to use her valuable one on one time to bitch and moan and now I hate her even more. Corrine is GREAT television! Let a bitch be..GEEZ. Taylor joins the company of crazies like Ashley I & Olivia as he strands her in bachelor fashion. He takes Corrine back to the swamp boat in plain sight and tries to awkwardly not notice that Taylor is sitting on a log 14 feet away.
Taylor has the witches do a cleanse on her and she loses her mind and chases he and Corrine down at dinner to make herself look even worse. (Remember that she is a mental health counselor? Yah. That.)
Why does Corrine keep getting roses? 2 words – bouncy house.