I hate to say “I told you so” but –
Wait. No I don’t! I LOVE f–king saying “I told you so”!! Rachel is our new bachelorette and I”m feeling the feels. I remember wanting Sharleen Joynt from Juan’s season to be the bachelorette but it turns out she was way too smart and successful with her jet setting opera career and ivy league education to say yes. Rachel is the new Sharleen except she said yes! Girl is gorg and smart AF so this should be interesting.
Anyway, let’s get back to the last 2 weeks of the bore tour with Nick V: starring Corrine and her platinum vagine.
Week 6: Nick isn’t just letting these girls go, he’s launching them out the door, jesus! It’s like he read that stupid Japanese “clean up your life” book and decided to just spring clean these bitches all the way to St. Thomas. Taylor’s tactic just makes her look like a mean girl so she gets the boot, and so does Jami – maybe because of the bedazzled ball gown that looks like it was made by a troll doll on a street corner.
But did we have to say goodbye to Alexis!? Shark Dolphin – COME BACKKKKKK!! EH, it’s fine. We’ll see her in paradise, don’t worry. She won’t miss an opportunity to swim in her natural habitat.
Nick pretends to know something about St. Thomas “the lush greenery. The beautiful blue waters…” Did you get that out of the brochure in the lobby, buddy?
1 on 1 with Kristina. He finally lets her tell the story of her childhood and it’s heavy AF. He realizes he better give her a damn rose or else America is going to think he’s heartless.
Group Date to the beach during a tropical storm to play the world’s worst volleyball tournament. Why doesn’t he just call this date what it is – the swimsuit competition? Which, by the way, Raven is losing with that granny diaper teal bikini.
Jasmine didn’t take her meds this morning so she corners Nick to try and strangle him with her love and tell him she wants to play a game of “marry, f–k, kill” with him where he gets all 3. He sends her home before she has a chance to start foaming at the mouth.
2 on 1 with Danielle (DLo) and Whitney. First of all, when did Vanessa start calling Danielle L “D Lo”. That’s the kind of nickname that makes me dislike women in general. Whitney is nervous because she might actually have to talk on this date.
Nick to Whitney: “You’re such a calming presence”
Whitney: –silence and nodding–
Nick: “Omg silent and pretty. You’re the perfect woman”
Except he decides to send both Danielle L and Whitney home because he realizes he’s just as bored as America is watching this season. Then he heads to the girls hotel to cry like a man and let them know he’s one bad boat ride away from dumping them all and getting back on Tinder.
Week 7: In an attempt to revive this boring AF season, Nick continues to put on the water works as he has a pow wow with C Harrison about how stupid the premise of the show is and why ‘there are a million reasons it won’t work’. YOU DON’T SAY……
Then he goes monologue – city in the girls hotel room while Rachel and Kristina snuggle awkwardly while waiting for him to get to the damn point.
Anywho – he doesn’t give up and leave the season, because contracts. Whomp whomp. He doesn’t send anyone home and they jump on a plane to Bimini…
(CUT TO US ALL LOOKING UP BIMINI ON GOOGLE MAPS)
Rachel: “We got to our resort at Resorts World Bimini and it’s heaven!” Well, maybe this plug is what finalized her contract to be the next bachelorette. (Producers – must unnaturally insert location in trade for hotel rooms…check! )
1 on 1 with Vanessa so they can “go deeper”. We’re all thinking dirty right? Just me? Well, Corrine is not happy and I honestly hadn’t even realized that she hadn’t had a one on one. Maybe he forgot that the whipped cream and bouncey house don’t technically count?
Vanessa has never been on a boat. UGH queue the Disney soundtrack.
Corrine: “Now I’m getting frustrated and I’m really bloated” – ALL of us drinking wine and watching this boring season.
Vanessa tells Nick she is falling in love but she should know by now he’s not supposed to say it back (contracts, ya’ll)…plus, we all saw what happened with Ben. He could have been more graceful about reciprocating SOMETHING though… He might as well of high-fived her and offered her a Caprisun.
Group Date to swim with sharks in another attempt to livin shit up a bit. He rubs Kristina’s thigh while Corrine gets her required daily dose of champagne. Raven gets the group date rose even though she says like 5 words the whole time.
1 on 1 with Danielle. Is she always nervous and tired? I swear, NONE OF THESE WOMEN TALK. I’m seeing a pattern. They have the worst awkward silence ever and he waits for her to tell him she’s falling in love before he sends her off, too. Maybe he’s getting as exhausted with his season as we are and just wants it to be over so he can get some 2/3 page photos in OK Magazine showcasing his absolutely shocking break-up. The fact that they made her go get her stuff and tell the girls she is leaving is pretty gross. I thought they usually caspered their shit out of the house so they DON’T have to do that? Have some decency, jerks.
Corrine goes to Nick’s hotel to convince him to keep her vagine around. “My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum” YAS GIRL YASSSS. But she wears those hideous platform Louboutins that make anyone look like a Clydesdale trying to walk on cobblestone. Seriously though, why do girls wear those platforms? You’re not Gaga, so put them away. Anyway, he pretends his night cap is a bottle of unopened champagne so I’m having difficulty suspending the disbelief. Then he tells her she’s hot but to take a hike and she leaves feeling dirty, rejected, and ashamed, much like all of us did in college – or my entire 4 years in West Hollywood.
Date with Rachel – blink and you’ll miss it. Oh, but he cried again. Shocking.
Time for hometowns. Hooray.