Before we get in to it, let’s all ask ourselves a very important question. Is it possible that Nick cries more than any bachelor ever? Magic 8 ball says “very likely”. Seriously with this guy? I prefer my smokin hotties to cry inside like a man but who knows…maybe this is a side effect of all the acting classes in Silverlake the last few years? Regardless, I don’t want to see you crying this much, Nick. Unless you’re shirtless while doing it. In which case – watch the Notebook while chopping onions but make sure they are taping it.
Hometowns start in Hoxie with Raven. WTF is Hoxie? Sounds made up. I’m calling BS. Raven is secretly kind of a badass. She wears a white t shirt on purpose to show that she’s super humble but also that she knows how to rock a wet t shirt contest when they go “muddin”. Which is, by the way, the hickest thing ever… but I’m sort of loving it. They dry hump in wet mud…so…wet hump? Mud hump? You get the picture. Then the cops come to break up this backroad romance except the cop is actually just her brother and I’m sure he’s super proud that he can see through his sisters shirt.
Raven’s dad is cancer free – which is AMAZING. But I find it a little too real that they chose television as the forum for this personal information. Just sayin.
Raven doesn’t tell Nick she loves him even though she wants to. Gotta grab that muddy bull by the balls, girl. Maybe next time.
Rachel takes Nick to church for her hometown and it’s fabulous. No matter how hard ABC tried, it didn’t even occur to me for a second that anyone cared that he was the only white person there. We already know that Rachel is the next bachelorette so I was glued to this hometown to get a glimpse at angles and possible sneak peeks in to my future blogs. Rachel’s family is way too normal for down to earth except we didn’t get to meet “daddy”.
Nick: “I know Rachel is a black woman. We don’t keep secrets”. – way to figure that one out, Sherlock.
Corrine’s hometown!!! She takes him to an indoor/outdoor mall and buys him the $3k outfit because money= love, obviously. I love that all the sales people pretend they know who TF Corrine is. I’m sorry but there’s a huge leap between Corrine and Balmain so I’m not buying this buddy buddy play.
She takes him home to daddy’s condo to meet Raquel. I didn’t understand a word she said, unfortunately…but it was pretty effing great that he had more of a conversation with her than anyone else who is actually blood-related. Corrine’s “daddy” asks her if she will be okay with being the breadwinner in the relationship so evidently he knows that Fab Fit Fun sponsorships won’t maintain her lifestyle once the show is over. Which is pretty much like saying “what’s this lisping loser gonna do after this?”. He tells Nick no to marrying his daughter and we move on. Opah!
Vanessa’s hometown is great because we learn that in the 20 minutes they have had alone in the last few weeks, no one has discussed logistics like…I don’t know… moving to another country!?
She has him come to school so her students can make them a scrap book of their dates. Is this a school or a sweat shop with all these damn art projects she is making them do?
Vanessa asks Nick if he asked other dads on the hometowns about marrying their daughters. HAVEN’T YOU WATCHED THE SHOW EVER? Nick doesn’t know Italian and this hometown was boring AF so let’s move on.
Andi shows up at his hotel room in NY but we all know she’s too hot and done with him so this is a lousy attempt and making us think she wants him back…
My fiance : “Wait – did the DVR screw up? It’s only ONE hour this week?”
Yah, probably because ABC realizes everyone is bored AF so they tried out a one hour stint.
Andi isn’t there to plug her book or get Nick back…SHOCK. She’s too smart for that. But she is also forever Chris Harrison’s bitch ……..as one is after they go through the bachelor machine.
In an awkward ex style conversation, they drink whiskey and she gives him her blessing to bang other girls. Soooo.. moving on.
We say goodbye to Corrine and I’m SUPER BUMMED. She was the life of this show!! Now what?? But seriously she needs a hug or a valium or a therapist or something. She can’t stop apologizing and asking what she did wrong. Corrine – your 24-year-old is showing. Oh to be young again and give Fs. But not really because giving none is SO much better. Corrine: “I will never kiss up to a man again my whole life.” SAME GIRL SAMMEEEEEE…UGH, I love this girl.
We only see the one fantasy suite date – which is weird. And I think we only head to Finland so Nick can take his hipster to a WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL with these outfits.
Since there isn’t a virgin this season, producers dig a little deeper to get Raven to talk about how she has never had an orgasm.
So ….wait… the ex you beat the shit out of with a stiletto didn’t even give you the big “o”?! I would have beaten him up, too. Screw that.
Needless to say, she really wants to get stimulated…. even with that turtleneck, Nick.
Today’s realizations: Nick likes girls that call their dads “Daddy” and next week will be 3 hours and all I have to say is F–K THAT. I’ve got shit to do, Anyone else?
SIDE NOTE: CORRINE WAS IN A 2 CHAINS VIDEO AND I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS. Girl….. you should know this always comes back to haunt you. BIG MISTAKE….YUGE.