Ew. 3 hours? I will say that even though this is the longest episode this season – and of all time… this will be the shortest blog. Because we already know Rachel is leaving soooooo the suspense is a bit lost, don’t ya think?
Anywho. We start this episode with a cheesy montage of Raven kissing reindeer and skipping through the snow..(as one does after their first orgasm). I’m just super curious how they got her to agree to prancing around in the snow without explaining to her “this is so that American thinks you finally had the big O”. Gross and also confusing…did she? Didn’t she? She never says but I’m pretty sure she did. “He’s good at what he does”. No kidding, he has enticed every bachelorette with the sex. Does this guy have a golden penis? I don’t get it.
Rachel and Nick go on a one on one before their fantasy suite so that she can show just how uncoordinated she is on snow skies or snow shoeing or whatever TF it is. Did they just have an overstock of turtle necks they needed to get through this season? They spend the night together (SHOCK) and then wake up and Rachel is wearing a penguin onesie??
A penguin onesie??
I mean….get it, girl. But also – there wasn’t anything else you could wear for the morning after banging the Bachelor? I just want to see his face when you got done with the deed and reached for that immediately after.
Vanessa and Nick’s fantasy suite dates gets 478972387489 more minutes of air time than the others so of course she’s going to win. She’s too perfect and they are desperately trying to give her a great edit even though it seems inevitable. They look like Ana and Kristoff from Frozen (that’s the man not the reindeer, right? Whatever) and they go run from ice bucket in the middle of the snow to a hot tub back and forth. WTF is happening? His balls must be in the seventh circle of hell. And she’s having way too much of a positivity reaction to this activity like it’s exhilarating – so she might be a sociopath. Right?
Nick cries at the beginning of the rose ceremony, through the middle, and pretty much all the way home after letting Rachel go. He can’t explain why but we all know it’s because she was perfectly set up to exit and join us as the next Bachelorette. Plus, she can do better so there’s that. See ya soon, Rach!
Raven meets the family, again. She’s obviously Bella’s favorite but Nick likes to make his own stupid decisions so I’m not convinced he’s going to pick her. She tells them all she loves Nick every other minute and they bring up his bad decision making every minute inbetween. Way to have some faith, fam.
Vanessa comes to meet the family and makes a happy occasion in to a free – for – all – cry fest. And now Nick’s dad is crying and we know where he got it from. Do these men ever stop crying? Are we facing a gender reversal situation with Nick’s mom kicking it stone-faced? Way to go, equality and feminism! Woo! But also, get your shit together, Vial men. Jeez.
Nick & Vanessa get one more date so, naturally, they go to meet Santa Claus. First of all, he lives in an outhouse in the snow and crafts them a wooden heart (what is with this chick and the craft projects? Now she’s making Santa do them? Did she sit on his lap for that one?)
Nick & Raven have the best date of all time because they ice skate, snuggle, and then play with a bunch of husky puppies and I’m jealous AF! BEST DAY EVER. He can’t keep his hands off of her so we all think maybe Raven is gonna win? Nah. Probably not. Oh, and laying on the ice to make out? Um….no thank you. Cold AF much?
Final Rose time! Raven handles rejection like a boss and miraculously manages to STFU and stay graceful. But American knows she’s wondering if he knows he’s going to get bludgeoned with a stiletto next. Nick walks her to the limo and doesn’t even get the poor girl her coat….I would have made him stop and get my beautiful fur coat that I paid 0 dollars for.
Chris Harrison greets Vanessa and almost falls on his ass in melted snow – which would have been tragic but magical at the same time. He takes her coat and I just wonder if she’s going to get hers back too or if this is “no ring, no coat” situation we are facing here. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. Because duh. But also because Neil Lane said this is his last strike or he’s going to have to start shopping at Jared or Sears for his diamonds.
I won’t get started on After the Final Rose but let’s just say…SPOILER ALERT: THEY HATE EACH OTHER.
The end. See you in paradise.