HOLY CANNOLI it’s finally time. Time again to watch a smart, beautiful, sophisticated woman hopefully not disappoint us all by picking a douche bag in a v neck t shirt with a headshot that would make Glamour Shots proud. But honestly, please see exhibits 1-6 below and note the use of the High School Portrait backdrop.
Nothing like ABC waiting until less than a week out to post the bios of Rachel’s bevvy of gentlemen. I mean, don’t they know I need more than a few days to muster up sarcastic humiliation lines for all these dudes? It’s a gift that must be nurtured properly.
That being said, I took a gander at this list and it seems longer than usual or maybe my patience is shrinking in my old age. But I did notice a few things that I would like to point out.
So many v necks. So much photoshop.
HOT TIP: If you have an instagram handle with the words “the” and “real”, just head to the nearest window and jump TF out. Get out of here with that crap. I see you, @therealfredjohnson & @thereal_billyg. You haven’t even made it to insta fame yet – haven’t you learned you have to get drunk or kiss her or at least dress like a f–king animal in order to assume you need to verify your identity?
On that note – we actually do have a penguin this season, episode one. Matt Munson, who’s social handle is @Matthew_Munson. Because it’s his name. WHAT A CONCEPT, HUH!? Penguin Matt, welcome to the top of my bachelorette bracket purely because you are a class act.
Here’s what my sources are telling so far but I’ll save until the episode recap to really rip in to what I think.
There’s a wrestler, a personal trainer (because duh), a prosecutor, another guy that likes to work out, a guy dressed as a penguin, 2 bros that hate each other that used to be on some obscure reality show no one watches, someone that goes by “Diggy”, someone who brings a vacuum because we all know Rachel has sexy time with her vacuum from last season, someone brings a manequinn (which is creepy AF), someone gets super drunk & gives us our first catch phrase of the season.. OH – and I think Rachel used to baby sit one of these guys?
I’m exhausted but oh-so-ready for the rollercoaster to begin. I’m hoping for the funniest season yet since a good mix of bros seems like it’s in the cards for us all. But for Rachel’s sake, I hope there’s a little love. Maybe a smidge? Or at least some sexy time with a guy not trying to get a verified blue check next to his insta.
What’s the male equivalent to a Fab Fit Fun Sponsorship anyway? Asking for a friend.