Creepy dolls, litigator alligators, and one big fat WHABOOM: Week 1 Recap

Chris Harrison introduces himself in an incredibly unnecessary moment. Because we know. Chris…we know. He flashes us back to her ‘romance’ with Nick where he pretended that she wasn’t WAY too good for him.

Rachel intros herself as ‘sweet sour sassy but classy’. Poet or lawyer? Producers stage a few opportunities for Rachel to prove she’s a lawyer by using the phrases “I object” and “speculation”.

Rachel must really be important to the network because she’s driving a Tesla to her temporary LA pad. Will this be “the most dramatic season EVER?” …again? She quotes Clueless and heads to the mansion to visit with some of our faves for advice. Corrine, Alexis, and whoever the other ones are give her advice except they are all single and only one season deep in the franchise so it’s mostly irrelevant.

So let’s run through these bros and snag the highlights, shall we? I will say that I couldn’t stop laughing and my jaw was dropped pretty much the entire time. And seeing as how I may be sarcastic but I’m not easily amused – that’s saying something.

Peter is the first out of the limo and we know what that means. Probably going to be the first one on one. Just wait. *taking bets* Also – he has a gap. She has a gap. Their kids teeth will definitely be gapped. Everyone loves to be prepared.

Josiah makes a legal joke and finishes with “see you later, litigator”. He’s a proscutor so I’ll let it slide.

Bryan is columbian and when he speaks to Rachel in his native tongue she politely pretends it’s the first time she’s heard a foreign language. Spoiler – he gets the first impression rose. Not sure if he deserves it but he’s hot so I’m going to let that slide. OH, and he kisses her first so he’s got that going for him.

Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny is my FAVE. Look at that genuine adorable face? And he gave us a nickname we can’t forget because he’s a wrestler. At some point, there will be a ‘RING’ joke – just wait for it..

Lucas is the WHABOOOM guy and needs to be taken out back and shot. He’s the f–king worst. For like 35 seconds I thought that ABC was unknowingly filming the most fantastic seizure on reality television and then I realized that he’s just a Van Wilder Ace Venture fanatic who still lives in his mom’s basement when he’s not at the frat house doing keg stands. Also – if you were wondering if one of his testicles was bigger than the other, the answer is yes. Because he tells us.

Will has a real job and does a great Erkel impression. Still not sure why we had to experience that but there it is.

Dean is COMPLETELY out of place. You know Skipper Barbie’s “boyfriend” Ricky? Probably not. But he’s not quite Ken level and that’s right where Dean belongs. See below. “Wanna build a sand castle, skipper?”

Blake is an “aspiring drummer”…which isn’t even the best part because he’s the one that thinks he has a golden penis and irresistible pheromones. So there’s that.

Diggy seems cute but I don’t trust guys that collect sneakers to that degree of madness. Over 500 pairs of shoes? Does that mean he’s going to need his own closet because this could seriously dictate some life decisions. And his job is “inventory analyst”….. like….. of your own closet? Let me help with your “job”, Diggy. 575 pairs of Air Jordans + 1 bro + 1 shoe closet = (-1) Rachel. So not ‘diggy with it’.

Jonathan thinks he’s a tickle monster but all I’m seeing is that he has no concept of personal space.

Brady is a male model.

Jack Stone is 100% a serial killer. How old is the Zodiac killer now? Do you think it’s possible we have finally found him?

Fred busted out the old yearbook to show he went to school with Rachel. So evidently he didn’t get the memo that no woman in her right mind wants to be reminded of their awkward teen phase. Kind of like when Facebook memories reminds me of my “bad girl emo” phase and I want to smash every electronic device I have. No FB memories, I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE YOU.

Lee is more Southern than a pig roast in a barn in Kentucky wrapped inside a dixie cup wrapped inside a Dolly Parton song served with gritz. I’m aware that makes no sense. And neither does Lee.

Adam.. and the doll. Just no. Hard pass. Absolutely F–K NO. It’s like a doll version of Todd from Wedding Crashers.

As for the rest of the guys, whomp whomp.

Blake, Grant, Jedidiah, Kyle, Michael, Milton, Mo, and Rob leave the house. Guess who stays? The god damn whaboom guy. But don’t panic because it wouldn’t be ABC and it wouldn’t be the Bachelorette if we didn’t keep someone around purely for ratings. But I don’t think Rachel is going to tolerate the producers making her keep such an ass clown around for long. Take a good look at her face as she announces his rose… as the last rose…. pay close attention, people. He also says “I love you” if you listen closely when he’s walking up. So I’m sure this is super serious for him.

Milton cries because he doesn’t get to show off all the clothes he bought for the season. Ok, Carson Kressley…. But don’t worry because you have 578457893 other opportunities as part of Bachelor Nation because your soul belongs to ABC for the next 10 years. #Appearances.

Do these people get shots of adrenaline before the rose ceremonies?  I wouldn’t be able to stay awake …. it’s OBVIOUSLY day light once again. And not like the typical ceremonies where it’s like obviously 4am…..the sun is MID SKY so it’s gotta be close to 7am. Gross.


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