Let’s jump right to the fact that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis show up to provide some assistance while casually making fun of the guys as they go through a “Husband Material Obstacle Course”. Before they even start, Ashton meets Lucas, experiences the Whaboom, and hopefully immediately made a call to his agent to ask why he let him do this. Oh, and also – Ashton states BEFORE the games that he has strong feels that Rachel’s man is not on the field. Duh. Sounds like he’s actually watched the show! And he looks thrilled to be there.
OH and side note – who goes to Malibu Wines and doesn’t drink wine? “Let’s just use the field” says no one ever.
$100 says Mila and Ashton were sitting around getting stoned and this seemed like a great idea. And the result? Ashton is the only one getting laid from this scenario and we know that because Mila tells us… and all of America.
Side note – this “husband course” is missing a few key obstacles – putting the toilet seat down, loading the dish washer, killing spiders, turning off the golf channel, and (insert sexual desire of choice).
Lucas wins the husband games and I think that pretty much sums up the potential Rachel is dealing with. Poor girl has her work cut out for her. He ripped through the obstacle course like a 12 year old stuffed full of ritalin… which is pretty accurate.
Turns out the rumors are true that Blake and Lucas knew each other from the past and some other vague reality show – AND Lucas dated Blake’s previous roommates sisters aunts friends pet therapist? I can’t keep track of how they are connected but Blake decides to make it his mission not to shut up about Lucas and turn the house against him. And it begins.
Rachel’s not feeling the romance during this group date. YA DON’T SAY.
One on one with.. PETER. CALLED IT. WHABOOM.
Peter is hot and I have a good feeling about this bro and Rachel. She takes him to a private jet and breaks it to him that there’s a guest joining their date. My first thought was “God dammit Kevin Hart – NOT AGAIN..” and then we meet COPPER!!!! So basically the best date ever because they go to Bark Fest in Palm Springs. Imagine heaven and then make it 10000 x better and you might experience something this magical. This is literally my dream date; surrounded by furry bitches and their owners. Does it get any better?
And let’s not forget that when you don’t have kids but you have a dog, your dog IS YOUR CHILD. So I would say that this is beyond huge for Peter. No pressure, buddy. And poor Copper has an adorable cast on which is super sad but he’s really making it work for him and my heart is melting. Can we focus more on Copper and less on the rest of the show?
Het gets a rose. Obvi.
Next Group Date – basketball with Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Way to go, ABC! An actual legend ANNNNDD Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis? Not to mention the Tesla… Rachel is evidently the most important bachelorette of all time.
Forget the basketball game.. it’s irrelevant since the only relevant thing we need to touch on is DeMario and his…girlfriend? Turns out DeMario had a hookup that caught some feels and wasn’t all too pleased when he started ignoring her and then ended up on After the Final Rose to meet Rachel. OUCH.
DeMario’s face when he sees this girl is absolutely priceless. You can actually see the moment flash when he realizes he could maybe play this off dumb like he doesn’t know who she is so he can stick around Rachel a bit longer. And then he continues to lie to the face of a very intelligent lawyer soooo basically it’s time to go, DeMari-NO. “Last time he was at my apartment he was f–king me”. Classy hunny, classy.
But the worst part? Not even the terrifying brow-raise scowl face. It’s her scrunchie. Oh hunny, no.
Needless to say, Rachel tells him to get TF out. Literally.
ABC ends the episode with a cliff hanger and shows the guys heading outside since DeMario doesn’t know how to take a hint and shows back up at the mansion begging to speak with Rachel one more time. She’s no dummy, us ladies know that he’s had enough time since the basketball game to come up with some elaborate explanation. That’s why we attack men and don’t give them time to think. DUH. It’s our super power.
To be continued….. yay.