Wait.. wait… waiiiitttttt. We can’t start without discussing the s–t storm that is BIP. Or, as I shall now refer to it – RIP BIP because that ship has sailed off the coast of Sayulita; never to be heard of or seen again.
Turns out Corrine and Demari-NO were set up on a story line and got a little too frisky on night 1 and she doesn’t remember anything. To refresh her, cast members let her know he basically had sex with her limp body and then went ‘down town’ without permission? Maybe – maybe not. There are a lot of rumors. Other sources say that she wasn’t THAT blacked out but REGARDLESS – Producers should have never let this get to this point. Sexual misconduct should NEVER be condoned. Anything past where Chad and Lace went last season is BEYOND inappropriate. So bid farewell to this franchise because Corrine has lawyered up and I doubt Sayulita will offer up the sandy abode anymore. Crabs and all. Back to Bachelor Pad maybe? Meh. I’ll take a hard pass.
BACK TO RACHEL’S SEASON – the one that’s NOT canceled.
First Rachel chats with Demario as he provides a pathetic excuse of a begging session where he claims she is the love of his life and doesn’t let her get a word in…
Demario: “I event told my cab driver on the way here – you are IT for me. And also, I want to find joy and pain and sunshine and rain.”
Rachel: ” Go find that shit elsewhere.” *Mic drop*.
Then we make it to the rose ceremony where we finally say goodbye to Whaboom and Blake. Sorry boys, your staged rivalry and annoying seizure fits are done and dusted.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, aka Jonathan, just doesn’t do it for me. And the giant hands? Hard no, buddy.
Side note: Blake is way too obsessed with Lucas. It’s as though Lucas took Blake’s mom to a nice seafood dinner and never called her again. (too many references?) But also – Lucas claims Blake stood over him eating a banana and we are all uncomfortable now.
Blake: “You’re a failed comedian”
Lucas: “You’re a failed…errr….work out person…”
What a revelation.
Group date to the Ellen Show. Soooooo… are we all just going to pretend that it’s not a complete and total double standard that the men all have to take their shirts off and whore themselves out to the crowd? We wouldn’t make the women do that…. I mean – I’m in to it for sure, but still..
Also – they are all WAY too excited for the attention. Bring on the Flat Tummy Tea / Detox / Personal Fitness Instagram sponsorships, fellas!
And WTF are these pants?? See below.
Rachel and Freddy have the most uncomfortable, desperate kiss of all time so she makes him leave. YAS girl. I like the quick decision making occurring this season. We don’t have time to waste here.
Rachel and Anthony go a date where they ride horses down Rodeo drive. Ugh, so kitschy. And honestly the whitest date ever. Which is fantastically ironic. Thankfully we get to experience a horse taking a giant dump inside one of the stores…so not all stores allow my 7lb dog but a Clydesdale is ‘ok’? Anthony stares at the poop and hopes no one saw. I bet some poor PA had to pick it up, too.
Group Date to mud wrestle with a bevvy of Nick Viall’s ex girlfriends. So far these are the only friends of Rachels we have seen and that makes me nervous.
Mud wrestling with shirts off – again – magnificent double standard. Everyone is scared of Kenny because he’s literally a pro wrestler but I still look at him like he’s a giant teddy bear. And he doesn’t win so that’s gotta be a rough loss.
Lee and Eric begin their epic battle for the season and we see how methodical and Southern serial killer Lee might be but also how unstable Eric is – like a giant drunk baby throwing a scary fit about his name being in people’s mouths. Can we say red flag? I mean – this is the definition of what a red flag looks like… but she gives him a rose…so there’s that.