Double the recap, double the fun: Week 5 Recap

Serial killer Jack Stone gets a one on one? What a waste. Honestly, does this guy know how to look at anyone without having his chin to the ground and using only the top 1/3 of his eyeballs to make contact? Do you think it would write cryptic love notes in blood and using newspaper cut outs of letters to spell “I Love You and I Want to Wear Your Skin?” BECAUSE I DO.

Rachel sends him home because he’s creepy AF.

Rachel: “There’s just no romantic connection”. SHOCK.

Kenny & Lee continue to carry on this casually racist side story as Lee has suddenly morphed in to the makings of a Bachelorette super villain. #producers #villainEdit. Obviously.

Lee continues to be racist and not understand why calling a black man aggressive for no reason is messed up AF. Someone hasn’t come to grips with 2017.

Rose ceremony comes and we say goodbye to Iggy and Jonathan the tickle monster. I feel like that took a while considering they had no air time and I forgot their names until she didn’t say them.

Byyyyyeeeeee felicias.

Bryan and Rachel have a one on one and repel down an abandoned ski jump. Wow – really stretching for things to do, aren’t we? And who let her wear gold glitter on this date?

Group date to play dodge ball wearing some ball hugging wrestlers outfit. So basically, this makes no effing sense. And no one looks good in those romper leotards – not even Peter.

Two on one with Kenny and Lee. I’m sure the producers didn’t play a role in this set up at all.

Kenny keeps calling Lee a snake and all I can think of now when I see or hear Lee is “There’s a snake in my boot…”

Lee throws Kenny to the wolves during his alone time with her instead of focusing on talking himself but so now we all know how calculated he is (1) and that he hasn’t watched the show and doesn’t know the rules (2). He also calls Kenny aggressive over and over like he’s not speaking with a lawyer who happens to not be white. Come on, dummy.

Kenny doesn’t believe in violence but he’s a wrestler – so there’s that. And here’s another gem..

Kenny: “He will get washed under the tide of realness that is Kenny” – deep, man.

That should totally be your instagram profile quote. Do people still do that? #Instafamous. And let’s make sure to mention the incredible slew of curse words and death threats that come from Kenny’s mouth. Just…wow.

Lee: “Jesus loves you”. Touché, Lee.

Although we want them both to GTFO out of the Norwegian wilderness, we only say goodbye to Lee…..at first. Kenny can’t cool down to even get on the helicopter before heading back to Lee to shove it in his face and Rachel, like ANY woman would have been, was super unimpressed. These are supposed to be grown men, right?

Kenny says the word “process”!!!??? I thought the producers had a rule and would make them redo scenes to use the word “journey”? SO they’re breaking rules now, too? Okay. My world is upside down. And ladies and gentlemen, that is why all we usually hear is “journey journey journey..blahhh”.

Rose Ceremony and we say goodbye to Josiah and Anthony. Eric judges her for letting more black guys go and keeping some white guys. More racial insensitivity – hooray!

Eric gets a one on one and we get to hear a snippet of his mommy issues. Like… she knows he’s a f–kboy right? We can all hear it and we want to think she is smarter but we shall see…  Something about this guy rubs me the wrong way. And maybe she agrees because she wore a beanie to dinner and she should know better. She’s lucky she’s pretty enough to pull it off. And this girls fake lashes are giving me life. Are those Lily Lashes?? Mink?? I need to know.

Plus I was distracted during their dinner date by the ridiculous looking burgers they were eating. YUM. Can a girl get in on that? And what kind of burgers do they serve in Norway? Do we want to know?

Group date and Dean can’t even fake a normal smile because he knows he is built like a 13 year old girl and he might die today. And I’m right because he makes the worst Viking ever. As my fave comedian Chris D’Elia would say – Dean is the guy you can only bring to battle if he is the guy playing the flute in the back. Kenny and Adam give each other flesh wounds. Did we not see this coming with the giant shields and helmets made of suede? Safety first, evidently.

Can we just learn more about Tom and Morton and their incredible accents? WTF are they saying? Does Viking not have a “v” in it? As you can tell, I’m quite cultured.

Turns out Kenny is bored now that Lee’s gone so it’s like he gave up entirely and wants to go home to his daughter. Bye, Kenny!

One on one with Will and quite honestly this is the least amount of attraction I’ve seen between two people in my life. No heat. The only thing they have in common is that they usually date white people. Twinsies!

Rose ceremony and Rachel says goodbye to Alex. ALEX? WHY? He was one of the hottest ones you had left but you kept Matt & Adam? Nobody even knows who they are.

Le sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

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