Ay Caramba. The Finale

So I was super sick and pretty medicated during the finale, not gonna lie. And although typically that means I would watch a second time around, I will honestly say that I’m pretty glad I wasn’t fully sober for this finale.

Producers: “How can we make this more uncomfortable for everyone?”
Rachel: “Oh I know! I’ll provide commentary the whole time..live”.

I mean. Are you kidding me?

Rachel. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.

This episode is polarizing, if you haven’t noticed. Check instagram, snapchat, facebook, or twitter if you’re still wearing shoulder pads and a scrunchie… or if you’re famous.

People LOVE Peter. I thought Peter was out winner. Not only because of an inside source that TOLD ME – (screw you, btw. But also, well played…) but also because they just look at each other like they want to make babies and spend eternity staring at one another’s tongues through the gaps in their teeth.

OR …they think Peter is a f–kboy. But I happen to very intensely disagree with this theory. I advocate ADAMANTLY that Bryan is the only f–kboy in this scenario. The way he switches between his normal voice and a super thick accent just to say words like “Hola” to her reminds me of a weather woman on local news networks and it gives me all of the cringe sweats. And the way he inhales her face when they kiss makes me want to hurl.

So Rachel has a conversation with Peter where he admits to not being able to propose because he would rather…wait for it.. GET TO KNOW HER FIRST! GASP! An actual real life human being on this show?

Rachel: “No ring? Oh, hell to the nah. See ya.”

So we lose Peter before he even has a chance to have a “girlfriend proposal” a la Juan Pablo (although Peter is not evil like Juan). And we know what that means…..as long as Bryan proposes…he wins.

Ugh.

She only wanted a proposal. And I mean… I get that that is the point of the show but I thought Rachel was smarter than this.

And little miss Raven accidentally told the press about the engagement parties being planned in Dallas and Miami so I’m not shocked and yet I was hoping for a turnaround…much like watching Titanic and hoping Rose makes room on the big giant fucking door. Welp, no room on the door for Peter.

Bryan proposes and then finally comes out to Rachel live and she puts her ring on and smiles at it the whole time.. and occasionally at Bryan, too. But not before she chats with Peter as he puts on the most honest display of emotion and she hits him with a “I’m living my best life”. I get it girl, it’s easier to convince yourself you hate your ex because he couldn’t give you what you wanted. But maybe chill out a little on the guy? He can’t win here.

Peter: “I feel attacked”
Rachel: “Why? No one’s attacking you”
Audience in unison: “EXCEPT YOU, RACHEL”

C’est La Vie. Off to Paradise we go!!!!!!! (Along with Dean….).

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