EW. It’s Already Janu-ARIE: Week 1 Recap

If you’re like me, you gave 2017 the middle finger as your cruised in to 2018 this past weekend. I also drank 1/2 a bottle of tequila and woke up without a hangover so basically I feel like that’s God’s way of telling me this is my year. And also that I may be a superhero. Anywho. Let’s get started and re-meet Arie……who nobody expected would be our Bachelor. I’m still hoping Chris Harrison pops out mid-episode like “PYSCH! It’s actually Peter” (aka someone we actually want to picture naked).

We start with the montage from when Emily dumped him 43 seasons ago. Because this guy is old news. Oh and the man flew to Charlotte just to leave his Diary on her doorstep…which she didn’t read. Because, adult.

Oh and he’s kind of a race car driver but mostly a real estate agent.

Sean and Catherine stop by to try and make Arie relevant. And Chris Harrison gives it a hard push to convince us that he is “the best kisser they’ve ever had” on the show. Which is a weird AF thing to say.

Let’s meet the next lineup of Instagram models, shall we? “The hair is down and the boobs are out”. Sounds about right.

So we meet Chelsea – who gives me a MAJOR Gone Girl vibe. Raven’s friend Tia, so we know our favorite adorable hick called in a favor. Taxidermy girl makes me uncomfortable and sings to a stuffed otter so she is basically Satan. Marikh (aka Kardashian) thinks she owns a restaurant with her mom….sup Corrine? Oh wait…

Krystal films a fitness video solo on the beach for her intro and then cries while she makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the homeless. Plus, she only made like 4 sandwiches – seems legit.

There are 7 Laurens so shits gonna get confusing quick.

Every girl that’s gotten out of these limos is out of his league. He’s like a hard 6 and every girl here is a soft 8-9. Even Raven’s friend that gave him a small plastic weiner because that’s the name of her town. Weiner. Gee, I wonder why anyone would be single that lives in a city with a childish nickname for a man’s peen.

Who bought that girl a neon yellow dress? It makes me want to hydrate (I hope that reference lands).

Maquel shows up in a race car, and everyone makes race car puns when they should be making real estate jokes, because let’s be honest….

Some girl asks him to sniff her pits and it gave me the second round of cringe sweats.

Krystal does her best pageant entrance out of the limo and then immediately tells him to close his eyes and pray with her…which is like saying “don’t look at me but remember me”. Is this a trick? She sounds like she does soft core porn or she’s out of breath. Also, she’s a Libra. And she wants world peace, probably.

Jenna has a.d.d and a drug dealer because she can’t slow down. She gives him a pedicure – more cringe sweats.

Bekah is a nanny in LA, which is code for “I do open mic night at the Comedy Store twice a week and carry a headshot everywhere I go”. She’s also like 17 years old and the prettiest one I’ve seen so far. She asks Arie 3 things that make him excited about life (great question) and his first answer is “excitement”. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG, ARIE.

He tries to redeem himself with a second answer of “pizza” but the damage is done for me.

Great, a second Becca. And more Laurens. YOU’RE KILLING ME, ABC! How am I supposed to drink rose and watch this show if you’re going to make me feel the brain hurts the whole time. And Lauren J is obviously someones mother that snuck on. Is she 47?

Chelsea aka Gone Girl get’s the first impression rose because she was the first one to make it to everyones shit list by interrupting and stealing him twice. Doesn’t she know that’s how you get your bra frozen first or your eyebrows shaved at this sleepover party? Did we all see her failed attempt to give him a drink in the beginning of the cocktail party? Great, more cringe sweats.

Amber: “I own a spray tanning company, so I’ve seen a lot of dick”. Classy.

Pit girl, aka Ali also looks like a broke man’s Lala Kent. You’re welcome. Try and unsee that visual now.

“I love that dress, it matches your eyes”. REALLY PULLING OUT THE A GAME, ARIE.

Rose Ceremony. Finally.

Spray tan girl gets the boot as well as a handful of unstable girls we don’t know the names of and never will. It’s definitely like 7am when these poor girls take the walk of shame to the airport so I would be crying, too.

Bekah sips her whiskey and slides in to first place in my book.

Also, there is only one place in my heart for an Arie. And it’s Ari Gold.

 

 

 

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