Pillow Lips: Week 2 Recap

Oh look, the real estate agent is on a motorcycle. Whoopi. Look at the way his wig shines in the sunlight. It’s majestic, isn’t it?

One on One with Becca K.

Wait, when did this girl get out of the limo? Regardless, I like her. But not this date. Good God almighty how the actual FRICK did ABC agree to this extravagant overuse of Bachelor funds? And why does Arie think that it’s realistic to buy this poor girls dresses, shoes, and diamond earrings on the first date? This is how you set yourself up for failure, buddy.

“I thought it would be fun to spoil you”
Producers: “Guess the overseas group of girls will have to settle for a Renaissance Motel since we spent all our money on Louboutins”

There was a moment I thought he was going to Pretty Woman her with the necklace case and I promise you on my mother’s life, I would have thrown the remote through my tv. (Sorry mom – but also, I know you would be proud)

And also – RANT TIME – No one cares about the red soles anymore, FYI. Except for Cardi B, because let’s face it…

One on One with Krystal. I want to sneak dairy and gluten in this girls diet and see if she is able to keep up the stamina of a fembot pageant queen. What’s with the constant twitch and peering over her shoulder? Is she ok? Is she having a stroke? Is that why we can’t hear her?

Don’t get me wrong – she’s super pretty. And blonde. And tan. And in shape. Put a bigger set of hooters on her and she would look like she was FROM Scottsdale so I understand why he thought she would be the perfect person to bring. And I’m allowed to say that because I live here. So it’s OK, folks. Plus, I’m blonde and tan and I have hooters so it’s not just a stereotype.

To be honest, if a guy wanted to fly me on a plane (again, insert non-realistic mode of transportation he can’t afford in the real world) to meet his.. PARENTS.. on the FIRST DATE… I would be texting 9-1-1 low key while I sipped on wine and pretended to be interested. RUN FOR THE NEAREST EXIT, KRYSTAL!

Group Date: Demolition Derby. Seems safe. Let’s do this.

I can’tttttt with Analiese. Sweet girl ..but…. bumper car TRAUMA? I threw up on the tilta-whirl when I was 5 but you don’t see me shying away from fast twirling movements. Shit, these days I involve tequila so either I’m a risk taker or this girl needs xanax and a stuffed puppy.

Coy insertion of C Harrison asking if Arie will win in the derby since he’s “never won anything before”. Also, I don’t think Bobby Gordon likes Arie. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the cameras were off…

Seine shouldn’t be on this show. She is a Yale grad and a hard 9.9 hot. Enjoy this convo, Arie – because this one’s not meant for you.

I love Bekah but watching her and Arie make out makes me feel very uncomfortable since she looks like the kid sister of another contestant snuck on the show because the sitter couldn’t make it over.

AND CAN WE STOP CALLING HIM ‘PILLOW LIPS’? PLEASE?

Rose Ceremony. LET’S TALK ABOUT BIBIANA. This night took a hard left in to “Flavor of Love” territory.

Bibiana finally gets her alone time and Krystal (who already has a rose, btw) interrupts her to “check and make sure she was getting time”. Which is a big handful of monkey BS. Bibiana loses her freaking mind and shows us all why you wouldn’t want to cross paths with this girl in a back alley after Reggaeton and $3 margarita night at the local abrevadero (that’s ‘watering hole’ in Spanish, folks).

Actual quote: Bibiana “If I’m trying to talk to MY man, you better back the f–k up”.

Reel it in, girl.

Valerie, Lauren and Jenny goes home and Jenny is all of us as she refuses to hug him back as she exits the mansion with broken dreams to have her own Fab Fit Fun Sponsorship. Best part? “I’m just gonna miss my friends”. We wouldn’t miss Arie, either girl.. now go get back out in to that big beautiful world!

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