Come with us on this journey, Bachelor Nation. Let’s follow Jojo’s sweet little behind around and see where it leads us, shall we?
First off – we start with a montage of Ben telling Jojo he won’t blindside her… and then totally blindsiding her. Man, we forgot how much of a momma’s boy this guy is. All in the past, Jojo shmojo. Let’s move on.
We start with a sit down with former bachelorettes – and this is a real modge podge of ladies, let me tell ya. Kaitlin and her new haircut admit she regrets getting the D from Nick V (DUH), and Desiree tries her best to pretend she’s still in love with whats-his-face. Nobody remembers, right? Ali talks about lust and wanting to rip Roberto’s clothes off, which has to be awkward for her new man/baby daddy watching. PS – she’s about to go in to labor, no? She looks beautiful but the big ones always make me nervous that they’re gonna pop any second. Thanks for dressing up, Kaitlin – nice Chuck Taylors.
BRING ON THE MEN! I love her ‘tude about this. Kaitlin has been my number one lady but Jojo is giving her a run for her money.
I can’t even talk about how gorgeous she looks. I threw up in my mouth a little and then slowly put down the pizza I was shoveling in to it. (Don’t worry – I finished it later – I have no will power).
C Harrison shows us a few intros for some of these bros and I can tell we are in for a ride this season. Oh, poor hot Jordan with the good hair. We’re sorry you’re not your brother but also, the Packers suck so don’t be sad.
Producers deserve a f–king medal for inserting professions for the guys that don’t have any. Let’s make this easy. I have provided some very helpful one-line descriptions for night one’s bros.
- Grant – firefighter – wants to light her fire *barf*
- Jordan – Not Aaron Rodgers
- Alex – the world’s shortest Marine
- James S – profession “Bachelor Superfan” – because they find the biggest ass-hats in Phoenix every time
- Evan – ex pastor/ current Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – overly excited and also claims his job is “hard and draining” so I’ll just leave that right there..
- Ali – Bartender who’s Santa Monica apartment screams “not really a bartender” #familymoney
- Christian – Telecom Communications Tech Consultant – and he crossfits. How do I know? Don’t worry, they always tell you
- Luke – cowboy / war vet – obviously heading to final 3. At least. Look at this guy. Wait, are we still watching the Bachelorette or is this the Longest Ride?
- Derek – Commercial Banker – actually earns a paycheck. Won’t have to buy his sandwiches for him.
- James F – Boxing Club Owner
- Robby – FORMER Competitive Swimmer – which is Spanish for “unemployed”
- Will – Civil Engineer – also a failed comedian, if you ask me
- Chad – Luxury Real Estate Agent – resident
Chaddouchebag. Also – what exactly is “luxury” in Tulsa?
- Daniel – Canadian – which isn’t a job, in case you didn’t catch that. Also, drunk #1
- James Taylor – Singer/Songwriter – probably knows he’s not THE James Taylor.
- Jonathan – Tech Sales Rep
- Saint Nick – Father Christmas – No really, this is all we know about him. Keeps yelling “Joooo jo jojojojo”. Thanks – now my fiancé won’t stop saying it.
- Chase – Medical Sales Rep – hubba hubba. Also can purchase own sandwiches.
- Jake – Landscape architect
- Sal – Operations manager – gives Jojo blue balls to squeeze
- Coley – Real Estate Agent – Seriously? Another one?
- Brandon – HIPSTER – best occupation ever. But also – who did he piss off in production?
- Nick S – software salesman – drunk #2
- Vinny – world’s worst Barber – drunk #3
- Peter – Staffing Agency Manager
- Wells – Radio DJ – brought the actual group, All For One, and they literally follow her and serenade her all night. Also – hey, Wells! Nice flare (see below):
Jojo forgot her thesaurus this episode “you like niiiccceee” “you look greattttttt”, “he’s cuuuutttteeee”, “nice buttttttt”, “this is crazzzzyyyy”, “this is insaannnneee”. Luke rides in on a unicorn named Coconut. Jojo prefers her men from Texas. Robby brings a bottle to swig ‘a la momma Fletcher’ from last season. Because the way to a girls’ heart is to make fun of her mother. (*reference below*)
Jonathan wears a kilt and tells Jojo his dick is Scottish. Nothing but class around here.
Alex grabs her immediately and does pushups with her on his back – except he’s so short it’s more like squats for Jojo. She proceeds to have the world’s most awkward first kiss with Will while Vinny, Nick, and Daniel drink all the drinks and discuss how Vinny either IS the worst barber ever or hired the worst one..cuz bro – what’s happening to your head? Also – Derek looks exactly like John Krasinski. Just sayin’. You can’t un-see it.
Chad – “if I want her, I’ll have her”. So there’s that. Such a Chad thing to say.
Jordan and Jojo might as well pick out baby names. It’s like watching Kaitlin and Shawn all over again and we don’t need 10 episodes just to find out what we knew from the start. I was waiting for Neil Lane to come out of the bushes and just take us to the finale… First impression rose officially plucked.
Daniel asks some super deep questions… Then takes his clothes off and also calls the house “gay paradise” while wearing a child’s size medium tie.
Jake Pavelka shows up in a bid by the producers to scare the living s–t out of me that he is going to weasel his way back in to the show. False alarm! Turns out he’s just a family friend coming to give advice. So yes, the rumors are true. Everyone on this show knows one another. I love that the guys are whispering “how old is that guy!?” He’s 38, it’s not like he’s taking the limo back to the nursing home. Christ.
So Saint Nick gets a rose without even taking his polyester beard off. And when it happens, the look on Vinny’s face scares me that we are about to see GOT red wedding; the Bachelorette version. When Alex gets his rose, he has to get up on his tippy toes just to see past the guys in front of him. And yes, he’s already on the higher platform. Poor little guy.
We bid farewell to our kilted man Jonathan, Peter, Nick (drunk #2), Jake, Sal, and Coley.
James S wins this episode for his fangirling moment meeting Chris Harrison. I bet he smells like rainbows and shines like a unicorn’s smile, right James? I know, buddy… I know.