Bachelor Ben: Finale

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. Ok, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

bored

Chris Harrison introduces us to “the most dramatic finale ever” for the 20th straight season. And then we see he’s flown in Ben’s pastor and the families of both Lauren & Jojo – except for Jojo’s pervy brothers. (Good call, ABC) That way, Ben can possibly marry the winner on live TV in front of total strangers and the loser’s family can watch their daughter’s worst day of her life get EVEN WORSE… and all LIVE! How thoughtful. 

First Lauren meets Ben’s family after Ben tells his mom he is in love with two women. I’m sure this is a shining moment of parental glory for her. “WTF, BEN.” – Ben’s mom. Obviously they love Lauren, and then they love Jojo when they meet her so basically they’re just as bad at making choices as Ben is. Ben’s dad thinks Lauren is polished and Jojo is smoking hot – “I see the confusion, son”. Does Lauren own any jean shorts that don’t also fit a very small child? This is a family show, Lauren.

He goes on dates with each girl for the last time before the proposal. He tells Lauren he loves her 75 times and then does the same to Jojo as the producers find another date for them to go on where she wears a bikini. He takes it one step further with Jojo and has a private conversation on the bathroom floor about how much he loves her and (oops) also Lauren. Except it’s not private because you still have your mics on, guys. Jojo, we know you’re the smart one – don’t let us down.

Neil Lane comes in with the rings. Neil – “Tell me about her”. Ben- “About who?”. Anyone else think he just picked the shiniest one in the box and is pretending like he knew who it would be so that his future wife doesn’t get pissed that he was thinking about Jojo’s rack instead of hers when he was deciding? Yup, that’s right folks. We have a winner. Jojo basically proposes to Ben before she gets rejected. They should totally let her stick around Sandals for a mini vacay – that’s pretty effed. Does Ben get a break in between these girls? It’s pretty bipolar to go from dumping Jojo to calling Lauren’s dad for permission to marry his daughter. “Hugs all around” huh, Ben? I bet Jojo doesn’t want a hug.

finale

Lauren and her teeny tiny shorty shorts win Ben’s heart. But the real winner? Jojo. Because.. BACHELORETTTTTEEEE!

PS. super classy finale after the rose. Most class I’ve ever seen after such a circus of a show. I’m impressed. And thank the lord they didn’t take CH up on the tv wedding. Otherwise I would have needed to reach for my barf bag.

See you next season, Bachelor Nation. And keep your eyes peeled because I’ve got the blog coming soon. Rosebeforehoes, ya’ll.

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