What day is it? What time is it? Do the producers let these guys sleep?
“Cheers to a beautiful girl and a beautiful life, f–k you guys imma make her my wife” – thus the eloquence of the Chad is upon us.
We start with a group date…. “a hot date”. Whomp whomp – so quippy. They waste a perfectly good limo by setting it on fire right in front of the house to set the tone for a firemen training day. Grant must be pissed, right? Like… “Do I seriously have to go to work today? I’m using my vacation time for this.” Also – whatever it is, he better win or the banter around the firehouse is gonna be pretty brutal, buddy.
Meanwhile, at the house: Chad decides to unleash the super-douche from within. He straps a weight belt on, packs his suitcase with a meathead starter pack full of testosterone-boosting chemicals, and seriously does pull-ups off the side of the house strapped to it. Which is awkward enough on it’s own but James S, our resident non-employed superfan, blesses us with this gem – “there’s nothing that can give you the gift of watching Chad – it’s a gift from above.” So James is officially gay, right? Can we just identify this now? Meathead Exhibit A:
Back to the firemen training date. Wait… so we are just going to waste a perfectly good limo and use a s–t ton of water in the middle of a CA drought? Totally makes sense, go ahead guys…proceed.
Wells can barely handle fireman training but ends up with a rose for his ability to almost-but-not-really pass out. Grant wins…because DUH (and thank god, buddy). Luke gets second and we cut to a scene from a sad cowboy music video as he laments his misfortune. “Aw shucks, paw. If I doesn’t win this, where is I gun go?” Jojo gets handsy with him later when she goes in for the
kill kiss, so I think he’s gonna be alright.
Meanwhile back at the house, the bros are practicing their audition for the worst episode of Glee ever. These guys must be bored AF at this house. Also – James Taylor is a songwriter, yes? And he couldn’t give the guys a better starting line than “Jojojojo joooooooooo”? Chad: “You guys think it’s weird you’re writing a love song for a girl you just met?” Everyone else: “Nope”. Chad may be a super douche but he has a valid point. Little creepy, guys. Comin’ on a little strong.
Daniel is the most
awkward Canadian person I’ve ever seen. Not like in a sexy Bieber kind of way, either.
Derek’s one on one is a series of “random” choices that they make together. Anyone else notice how pissed the South-bound pilot was they didn’t pick him? They head to San Fran like it’s the most magical place they’ve ever gone to. I mean, it’s great but let’s not push it. Great conversation with these two, too. “I like your sparkly shoes” Jojo: “I’m very sparkly”. It’s like they’re ONE person, right? Derek mentions that his last relationship didn’t work out because there was a third person involved.. just say that she cheated, Derek. Don’t make it weird. Also – he hasn’t talked to anybody about it…like ever… which seems super healthy and definitely isn’t a red flag at all.
The next group date takes our bros to the ESPN Sports Nation stage where the guys have to make up a Jojo-inspired touchdown dance and then do their best proposal impression. Chad: “these guys are acting like it’s a talent show” which can only lead me to believe he doesn’t understand the show he is on. OF COURSE it’s a talent show, durrrr. Spread that beautiful plumage, peacock, or GTFO.
Jordan thinks being a quarterback will work to his disadvantage on Sports Nation with Marcellus Wiley. Except you’re not a quarterback, Jordan. That’s your brother. And mentioning him continuously isn’t helping us to forget that you’re still not Aaron Rodgers. Chad: “The best thing about Jordan is his brother. The worst thing about Jordan is that he’s not his brother”. Ouch, bro. But also – I happen to think Jordan’s hair is his best quality.
Wellllllll this cocktail party is suuuuuuper fun. Everyone decides they’ve had enough of Chad. He relates it to if the care bears were to attack you – which is actually pretty funny because Alex is small and snuggly so now I can’t help but imagine him dressed like Sunshine Bear. “She’s going to keep Alex because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people”. Touché. Superfan James does nothing to prove he’s heterosexual by asking Chad about his meat intake. Everyone seems entirely too occupied by the fact that Chad is one hungry MOFO. I mean, a girls gotta eat, fellas.
Basically this was the Chad show tonight and the world’s smallest Marine has had enough. Can’t wait to see how this ends up next week.
Alex: “That rose is supposed to symbolize that you’re a good guy” ..ok that’s fair.
Alex: “It’s supposed to symbolize that you’re one of the best bachelors in the country”. Um….100% no.
We say goodbye to Will. He can use some of that wasted TP to wipe his tears though. We also lose Brandon and… GASP… James the superfan! Looks like he didn’t study up enough to stick around.