Holy hometowns, batman. This was nothing less than a clusterf–k. We start with Amanda in Laguna Beach. Kudos to the producer that managed to convince Amanda, who has never introduced a man to her kids, to start now…with Ben…a million cameras and strange crew members. I’m sure that won’t terrify your poor children. How do they already know Ben’s name? And when did the fairytale book with their love story already make it to the kid’s bedroom? That’s one way to confuse them for a few years. Ben wears his shortest shorty shorts to the beach and does his best to play dad until the car ride home. One of the kids ignores him the entire time while the other one cries until he leaves.
Lauren B takes Ben around food trucks in Portland and whatever that buttery baked good looking donut thing is, I’m gonna need one ASAP. Her family loves Ben but can we just take a few minutes to talk about her 100 yr old dog? Because I love her. Lauren’s sister asks what Ben likes about Lauren and he literally can’t think of anything so he starts crying. “So. many. feels.” Maybe someone should call his mom to pick him up. Poor guy.
Caila takes Ben to her favorite bench and we all wait for the woodland creatures to fly down and braid her hair. Her dad owns a toy factory so they build a toy house together. Yes, actually. Which sounds childish but there are some real moments where I wonder if they need permits around those machines and basically, Caila’s kind of a badass in this factory. Ben relates building the house with building a life with Caila…except for the fact that the house is PLASTIC and possibly that they DONT RELATE AT ALL. Caila’s mom approves but she still chickens out on telling him she loves him.
Oh, Jojo. Poor Jojo. First she gets roses on her doorstep with a 10 page letter she starts reading to the cameras before realizing it’s not from Ben. Then she cries, calls her ex to GTFO, Ben arrives and has to deal with it, and they head out to the house of horrors. Jojo’s brothers are uncomfortably obsessed and touchy with her. They tell Ben he’s brainwashed her and tell her she’s nuts. Jojo’s mom can’t even move her face after all that work she got done but she wins this episode when we catch her swigging champagne STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE. Watch closely or you’ll miss it.
Amanda gets sent home to her little ones. I hope she destroys that damn story book.