Bachelor Ben: Week 5 Recap

VIVA LA MEXICO – says everyone multiple times as they show us the extent of their high school Spanish. Insert hard core advert for the Four Seasons and it’s beautiful bidets.

Amanda’s 1×1 “let’s put all our eggs in one basket” – Ben. So either he’s going to fertilize her eggs or take her on a hot air balloon ride. Unfortunately, just the hot air balloon ride. But first he wakes all the girls up at 4:20 for a little wake and bake. JK – he just wants to wake Amanda up for their date. Kudos though, Ben, for real. Brilliant excuse to see what these ladies look like w/out hair and makeup done. Needless to say, not all great. Except for Amanda – who wakes up perfect, evidently. At least two of these girls are still wearing retainers and Olivia has dragon breath. Ben and Amanda fly over Mexico City and then she talks about her cheating ex husband. Has anyone on this show NOT been cheating on at this point?

Anyone else notice that on every date they talk about how great it is to get to know one another as they LITERALLY LEARN NOTHING ABOUT ONE ANOTHER? “I like being like around you like getting to like be here with you like”.

INSERT IOWA CAUCUS UPDATE – don’t you know this our Bachelor time, ABC!? How dare you divert our attention from Ben finding love.

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Group date and the ladies are learning Spanish. I’m sorry, I mean butchering Spanish. “Como se dice ‘hell nah’” – Jubilee. Girl is not havin it. Then the ladies have to read Spanish instructions and ingredients to cook a local dish because evidently when a girl is ready to get married, it’s when she learns to cook. How modern. Olivia pairs up with Ben. First stop – “try this mint”,”look fresh mint” & “have some more mint”. Good move Ben….we hear that big mouth of hers has some stank on it. Maybe she should stop eating crickets. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the spatchelor”. Oh, you’re so witty. I don’t think making PB&Js with your mom counts as ‘loving to cook’ though, Ben.

Jojo starts a taco rant we can never unhear. “Ben already tasted my taco. I know my taco’s delicious.” Chill out Jojo, I’m sure the judges will love your little taco. Ben says adios to Jubes. He gives Olivia a rose?! Is he f—king nuts?

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Lauren H 1×1 but she has time to do her hair and take out the retainer. Mexico City is known for fashion huh? It’s nice that they pretend they knew that. Lauren does an amazing job on the runway with those stems – cue the rose. Cocktail party: Olivia refers to Amanda as being like an episode of teen mom. I know she has the voice of a small child, but that’s a serious burn. Gotta wonder if the actual stars of teen mom think this is as funny as we do. Yikes. Ben is catching on and pulls Olivia away to chat. So she gives him a promise ring. What are you, 13? Emily calls Haley and makes her feel much less horrible about not being there to cockblock by crying and complaining.

To be continued…. What a nail biter!

“Olivia es pinche loca” – My supportive boyfriend

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