Someone called security: Week 3 Part 1 Recap

Ew. Why are Chad’s leftover meat plates sitting out and the trees are still teepeed? This isn’t the Jersey Shore. Where’s the maid for this show?

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I know that Alex, aka mini marine, is the ‘good guy’ here but he’s really starting to annoy me. He’s like the little guy in the crowd jumping up and down trying to get attention.

Jojo and Chase go on a one on one to do some hot yoga. Everyone’s yoga teacher asks how long they’ve been intimate, right?? No. 100% no. And why is she throwing a child’s tantrum and calling it yoga? Or maybe that’s a seizure? Still not yoga. Jojo: “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on the first date”. Sure it is. I’ve never heard of Charles Kelly but he wasn’t a total suck-fest like the rando musicians last season. Points go to the producers for this guy (**heads to iTunes…**).

Meanwhile at the house, Chad and Daniel are watching one another bend over and lift and it’s making us all uncomfortable. Group date card comes and Chad is pissed he has to share his time with other dudes. AGAIN – do you KNOW what show you are on? The battle between Evan and Chad begins and I have to say, I’m super proud of Evan for growing some balls and standing up to the class bully.

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Jordan on Chad being part of the group date “Lets hope it’s a bench pressing competition and not a spelling contest”.

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The ladies bros sip champagne on the way to the group date to go tell secret sex stories to Jojo …and a room full of strangers. Evan chooses to talk to everyone about the danger of steroid use – specifically Chad’s steroid use – and Chad does nothing for his case by ripping poor little Evan’s favorite hipster shirt as he walks by to take his seat. But the best part is the SERIOUS CURVE that Jojo shows him immediately after when he invites her on stage. She’s probably walking off screen texting producers about when the f–k she can get rid of this herpes of a human being.

CURVE:

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Don’t get me wrong – I love Chad. He might actually kill someone. But he is bachelor GOLD.

Evan chest bumps with Alex over his victory before Chad threatens to cut all their legs and arms off. That seems like a healthy human reaction. Wells thinks Evan should hide in the corner since “the little guys need to stick together”. Chad’s first physical fight is with a door but I’m pretty sure the next one won’t be. Unless Evan’s face is also a door.

Producers for the win: to Daniel: “What’s your favorite bodily fluid?” Daniel: “poo.” Also, he chops souvenir hair pieces off girls he sleeps with so he may or may not be a sociopath.

Evan with the ultimatums in the third week….Oy. “It’s either me or Chad.”

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She gives Evan a rose in front of Chad and he completely loses his shit. Daniel has some real talk with his best friend where he relates him to Hitler… no wait, Trump, no wait Mussolini. Tomato, tomato. Or yam because Chad eats a whole yam during this conversation.

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Evan: “guess what kids? Daddy made out with Jojo”. Gross.

Why does every bro in this house own a spaghetti strap tank top from express circa 2008? EVAN? EVEN EVAN? WHY GOD WHY?

There’s officially a security guard at the house now and I’m obsessed with him. I can’t handle how amazing it is to see him creeping in the background the whole show now. What an absolute angel.

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James Taylor and Jojo go on a one on one and learn to swing dance. James Taylor says he is a horrible dancer. And he’s not kidding. Can you be a singer/songwriter without having ANY rhythm? Definitely not the REAL James Taylor.

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The rest of the one on one is pretty “meh”. These two are friends but I think that’s it. “You’d make a great ‘life partner'”. If that doesn’t scream “I don’t want to see you naked”, then nothing does. He takes cues from our past losers and pulls the “I got bullied when I was young” card. “They called me ‘Luke longneck'”. First of all, your bullies were morons cuz that doesn’t even make sense. Second, who DIDN’T get bullied? Also, making yourself look weak to a girl who seems to be in to the whole Alpha Male situation really isn’t going to help your cause. He still gets a rose but I think it’s a pity rose. He’s learning to “love himself”? That’s adorable.

Jojo cancels the cocktail party because she’d rather see them all half naked. But really it’s because the producers just want more airtime of Jojo in a bikini. She’s smoking hot, we get it. C Harrison comes to the rescue for Evan when he tattles on Chad. Except CH basically tells Chad to settle it “his” way. Evan better run. Also, I really want the producers to step up their game and make these hideous microphone necklaces out of pooka shells so we have more eye – entertainment. Are they made of twine? Is that hemp!?

…………to be continued.

 

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