Bachelor in Paradise: WTF is happening

So basically, the first time I watched this show was out of pure curiosity. And then I kept watching because it’s like a train wreck that you can’t look away from. It’s like watching from afar while a drunk girl with no pants on tries to hail a cab and just wondering where her night will end.

These producers are genius. It’s like they convince all of the rejects, villains, and loose women from the previous seasons to gather together in one place and try to narrowly avoid an STD.

Last season I watched my favorite looney toon turn out to not be that crazy… until about halfway through the season. Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A. A as in Ashley.

onion

Tulum is like, totes trendy, so I get it. Plus, we all know how budget conscious they are being these days (trouble in paradise, ABC??? Or did you realize it doesn’t matter how little you spend, we’re still suckers?). My guess is the latter.

I’ve been doing some digging and I actually can’t wait to see this shipwreck of misfit toys wash up on the sand and couple up. Becca ended up being too much of a snore fest for the Bachelorette gig, and our favorite Disney princess Caila couldn’t get her fairy godmother on board for it either, leading us to believe they may make an attempt to find sex love in paradise this season. Except for Becca – probably just some heavy petting because, well, virgin.

virgin

Why do all these former contestants sext over twitter? It’s one big twitter orgy. Just sext on your iPhone like normal human beings. But whatever, sounds like Becca has been twitter-banging with Jared so he’ll probably be back on the hunt for some Becca lovin. I wonder if her teeth will stay that white in paradise? It’s like watching the Mask…

smokin

And if Jared’s coming back, they’re obviously going to bring back the honorary Kardashian, Ashley I; ugly-cry-face and all.

jared

Anywho – guess who else I hear will be there? LACE WASTED FACE aka Lace Morris. Which gives me a tick but also butterflies. Just all sorts of damn bugs. I can’t decide how I feel. So many feels.

We need Olivia and her mouth. We just do. Someone please call her and tell her to pack her cankle medicine, get her fist out of her mouth, and get on a plane. I need more Olivia. And who would she hook up with?? JJ? Oh God, one can only dream of something that cringe.

I really want to see Clare come back. This would be her, what – 75th time on the show? Poor thing.

love

They definitely have to bring in the twins from Ben’s season, poor broken-hearted Carly from last season in Tulum, and Joe. Because Joe is a total dick and …ratings.

My favorite looney toon, the original crazy Ashley will NOT be back. Wanna know why? She’s engaged and pregnant. Which leads me back to my original point…

WHAT THE ACTUAL F–K IS HAPPENING???

WTF

 

NEW SEASON OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE STARTS AUGUST 2ND. And we’re terrified.

 

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