“Pigs are in the castle”: Week 3 Part 2 Recap

…..so Chad looks exactly like a shiny roided-out GI Joe. Also, he has decided this is the episode where he will refuse to wear a shirt. And these twine & beaded neckalce mics don’t look good on ANYONE. I’m telling you… pookah shells need to happen.

I NEED JOJO’S WARDROBE. PERIOD.

Chad apologizes to the group minus the apology. To Derek: “you’re a good guy, probably. I dono…”

Evan: “You owe me a shirt, my lunch money, and a hug.”

James T: “So no more violence?” Chad: “Sure, just only when I’m not punching you in the face.” *sips neon sludge*

Production finally gets Jojo to show off her famous boobies at the pool and the guys pretend to be sorority sisters for the afternoon but they should have skipped the synchronized swimming because they break Evan. Chad’s a loner. Just him and his noodles.

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Safe to say if water to the face makes Evan’s nose bleed, he’s going to want to stay as far away from Chad as possible. Take the 20 bucks and get a new shirt at American Apparel and call it a day, buddy.

Jojo and Jordan sneak away to grope each other in their bathing suits behind the pool. I think the shots are getting to Jojo cuz I’m pretty sure she just kissed her own knee?

Chad picks on John Krasinski Derek next and he stands his own. Chad doesn’t watch the show because he has a job. Except Derek is one of the only guys with a real adult human job too so he should have saved that comment for our former competitive swimmer or his best friend, the Canadian.

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Ali, Christian, and Santa Clause say good bye but she keeps Chad. And Evan. I don’t know what’s more awkward – the fact that Evan’s ultimatum didn’t work OR that he is such a pussy wussy that he stays anyway. OH – and on the way out, they finally put up Nick’s real job (Nautical Engineer). WTF? He has a real job! Does she know this? Maybe he should run back in and tell her real quick before he gets in that limo and cries…

The group heads off to….. wait for it…. Pennsylvania! Hooray? Sort of? Say hi to my mom while you’re there, kids. The best part of this is the caravan of gangster jeeps they offroad all the way to the resort with.

Luke gets a one on one and they make a bunch of poor huskies pull them to their …hot tub? What is with the producers and random hot tubs in open spaces? Wood-fired hot tub in the middle of the woods? Fire hazard? Jojo goes to get in first and screams because it’s too f–king hot. Kinda like watching a lobster get in the pot because,let’s be honest, what’s up with the fake tanner, girl? “I just want to tell you how much fun I’ve had today…” But they JUST got there. Like, literally…huskies to hot tub- get in hot tub – the end. “You don’t look like a rugged man…” That’s nice. Was that supposed to be a compliment? I can’t handle Luke’s hair. What exactly is going on there? Did he let Vinny do it? Is he depressed? Does this guy smile? (Insert war story). OK, I take it back. Also, God Bless America. Every single person at this concert is on their phone. This is what’s wrong with the youth, ya’ll. Dan + Shay? Another musical point to the producers. Way to step it up this season.

Group date to the football field. Roethlisberger, ew. (Go Patriots!!!). “Which ones Aaron Rodgers’ brother?” Yah, I bet you want to know, Ben. You gonna give him a wedgy so he reports back to Aaron? The guys start beating the shit out of each other on the field and we start seeing blood. Who is this hack of a medic that worked on poor James Taylor? I’m pretty sure you could have wrapped him without entirely covering his eyes. Evan wears a super manly headband on to the field. Cute. Wells is surprisingly good at football for a little guy. Jordan’s team wins. DUH. He gets the group date rose and no one is surprised.

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Evan: “I spell win E-V-A-N”. Really? Because that’s how I spell ‘giant baby’. Nose bleed count = 2.

2 on 1 with Chad and Alex. Alex is the same size as his luggage! Aww! He has to have tried to fit in there before. I bet he fits nicely in to overhead compartments on airplanes. Chad loses his shit with the rest of the group. Chad to EVERYONE “Want to go outside? Let’s go outside right now!” No one goes outside with him, because there are bears outside probably. Then he threatens to find Jordan once the shows over. “You think I can’t find you when you go home? You think I won’t come to your house and peep through your windows while you change?”

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Alex wears the hardest working button down from baby Gap to go hiking. Nice cargo pants. Good thing you have all those tiny pockets for all the tiny cargo you will need to store today. Who’s bright idea was it to give Chad an axe? “You ever float in the river? It’s one of the only things we have in Oklahoma”. Well, that and “luxury real estate”, right Chad? Jojo and the producers pull an Olivia on Chad and leave him stranded in the woods. No hug, no goodbye, do not pass go, do not collect $100. I could do without the terrifying whistle he keeps using walking around in the woods. This is the Bachelorette – nobody wants nightmares.

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We say goodbye to Chad but he still wins for pulling the most hurtful line any of us have ever heard from our parents. “I’m not mad, just disappointed.” Also, “milk is delicious”, “pigs are in the castle”, and “life aint always blueberries and paper airplanes”.

The guys see Chad’s luggage get brought out and start doing shots to celebrate. Fireball? What are you, 18? Enjoy your heartburn and hangovers, ladies.

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