Chad’s Gone. Now What?: Week 4 Recap

The theme of this episode is : SERIOUSLY, THESE GUYS MUST BE INSANELY BORED

First they spread the ashes of Chad’s protein powder after throwing a party to celebrate him leaving. I can’t believe Chad even left any powder behind! Isn’t that like his fairy douche dust or something?

Then Chad shows up to the house after being Olivia-ed in the woods and acts like nothing is wrong in an awkwardly orchestrated attempt for producers to get him to pick a fight. Jordans not having it so he apologizes “So we are all sorry but also GTFO.”

Evan: “I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder. I already bathed in the remnants.”

After a few Chadisms, he finally decides to go the way of Felicia.

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Rose Ceremony: So Jojo is still my fashion spirit animal but WTF with the aggressive white Miss America gown? Is she pretending to be on Toddlers and Tiaras?

Boxing club owner James S reads Jojo a poem thinking that’s a great idea. News flash, James: you’re not 16. Who actually writes poems? And how does this show manage to find poets every season? Like, super BAD poets. It’s as if they lock these guys up at night with sheets of homemade paper and grease pencils and wish for the best.

Canadian Dan goes home in a fit of “well, if this was about looks I’d win”. You’re right, Dan. The problem was every time you opened your mouth. Do they have Tinder in Canada? Have a safe flight home, eh?

They head to Uruguay and we learn that none of them know how to pronounce Uruguay.

One on one date with Jordan. Aka, excuse 47287489 for Jojo to get in to another bikini. Jojo has some real talk with Jordan about his ex:

Jojo: “I hear you’re a cheater.”

Jordan: “Nope”.

Jojo:  “Okay, cool. Glad we cleared that up”.

Kudos for bringing up his pastor in the convo though. Because Christians don’t cheat, obviously. And where did she “randomly” meet his ex anyway? And why would they have talked about him before she even knew him? Seems totally legit. Not at all fishy.

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Meanwhile at the hotel the guys “stumble” upon a gossip mag and read all about Jojo’s ex and how she’s still in love with him while Vinny gives them all bad haircuts. Wait – since when are they allowed to have magazines? Let’s address the problems with this article, gentlemen – 1) His name was Chad and we all know that’s just code for douche. Especially after this show. 2) Super good to know you believe everything you read. It’s In Touch, not the Wallstreet Journal. 3) Who cares if she booty called this guy between seasons? Girls got needs, too. 4) Alex needs to pipe down. He’s like the Gretchen Weiners of this season. Except way smaller and with too many tattoos.

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Jojo is on cloud 9 after her date with Jordan. “Nothing can ruin this moment”. Producers: “Here’s an article all of America has seen about you being a ho”. That’s nice.

She heads to the guys room to tell them it’s not true and she hopes they believe her. Jesus Christ with Alex, already. He can’t seem to hide how pissed he is about the possibility of a girl he just met 15 minutes ago and already wants to marry actually getting the D from someone she dated for a few years while subsequently not even knowing his short ass during the time in question. Let it go.

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Group Date to sand-board some random Uruguay Dunes. Turns out Wells is cool AF and has been hiding it. Seems like he’s the only one that’s ever snowboarded before. Thanks for the back flip, Alex. You’re like…super cool. Derek gets the group rose and Jojo makes him feel like a giant p–sy when she does it “this is for someone who needs constant reassurance and a gold star on his homework.” None of the others are amused. Alex pipes up…again…

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One on one date with …. a random feral dog? Nope. Just Robbie. The street vendor makes it weird by asking how long they’ve been intimate. And how long they’ve been married. And what color underwear they are wearing. Dude – just make the (insert Uruguayan food here) and put a sock in it. Then Jojo and Robbie bust out their water shoes and cliff dive. Reason 754785676435 to get Jojo in a bikini. Also – no one looks good in water shoes. Not even you, queen Jojo.

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No cocktail party before this ceremony. And Jordan proves he’s like, super good at math.

Jordan: “There are 11 of us. 3 have roses, 8 people are left. How many apples did Billy eat?” Did you learn that at ex-professional-football-player college?

Vinny is sent home for having the world’s worst fade, Grant goes home for wearing his pants too tight. And Evan? Well, we are just tired of hearing Evan complain about Chad not paying him back for his American Apparel t shirt.

 

 

 

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