Bachelorette does Evita: Week 5 Recap

Arrr-henn-teeenaaaaa.

Argentina. Because Jojo looks smokin’ in red but also we all just want to hear Chris Harrison say “Hola!”. Mission accomplished.

Side notes:

  • Chris Harrison only comes traveling when the places are actually cool
  • Surprise – Jojo thinks everything is “crazy” all the time. Every time. Get this girl a thesaurus.
  • Everyone thinks that this is the perfect place to fall in love. Every episode ever: “I can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love than Omaha Tampa Argentina Thailand Tahoe Utah“.

Wells gets a one on one. She literally has to tell him to kiss her ON the date card because bro hasn’t even tried yet. Didn’t you get the memo, Wells? Jojo doesn’t know how to say no-no. She’s kissed everyone else. So there’s that. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him in Spanish on the card? Maybe he didn’t get to that day in high school Spanish? They embark on the most awkward date ever and we learn that they have as much chemistry as a wet mop and a pop tart. But not before Jojo makes it her personal challenge to get him to at least try before she sends him home. Which she does. Because, obviously. I thought he might drown himself in the 3 inches of water they danced around in for the art show because kissing her was like the last thing he intended on doing, no? And let’s talk about this accidental swerve…

Wells exits. WEXIT. (Insert shock) JK.

swerve

So then, for dramatic effect of course, Jojo heads to a rave solo and stands there while dirty water pours on here under disco lighting. Let the damn girl go home and get room service, for crying out loud. Don’t make it weird. Get this ho some cheese fries and tequila.

Group date – and we begin to see the unraveling of James Taylor.

JT

Evidently the rest of the guys are just the plastics and James Taylor is getting a little too ‘Janis Ian’ for comfort. He can’t shut up about how hot they are and how Pillsbury dough boy he thinks he is. Wait – does he know Alex is on this date??? He’s like a mini marshmallow… why is JT even worried? Robbie gets handsy with a salsa street dancer. Nothing to worry about there.

awesome

The guys walk the streets of Argentina assaulting the city with bad Spanish. “Yo so un gato grande, no?”

Jojo to street vendor: “These are my boyfriends! All of them!”

Street vendor: “Como se dice skank?”

Everyone: “Si si. We would like tacos, por favor!”

They all wear leather jackets, except for James Taylor, who didn’t get the Grease revival memo. Then he spends his whole alone time with Jojo trying to convince her that Jordan is too good-looking and just wants to be Aaron Rodgers famous. Guess what? Not Aaron Rodgers is pissed. Duh. James: “Jordan didn’t agree with my totally made up poker rules because he’s a meanie meanie poo poo face”. Someone’s not invited to game night anymore.

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Luke evidently has mastered the art of the tongue alphabet so now Jojo doesn’t require him to actually speak anymore. He gets the rose. Because tongues.

Anyone else notice how easily she gets turned on? Just saying.

Derek and Chase on a 2×1. Chase is ready to tear shit up and Derek’s trying to go with the flow. Chase is a bros bros and Jojo obviously has a type so Derek didn’t stand a chance. Jojo needs words of affirmation. I read 5 Love Languages, too! Hooray twinsies!

Jojo says goodbye and we lose all faith in creativity when the producers set up a concert where someone is singing “Don’t cry for me Argentina” while Derek leaves. DEXIT. 1 – this isn’t Evita. 2 – seriously NO other songs for Argentina than that? Your cultural ignorance is showing, ABC.

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Derek with the saddest Haiku ever written:

“I didn’t think this would happen, Chase is more the person she’s looking for, I wasn’t enough, I thought I was, I’m not. I’m Derek, and Derek is imperfect.”

Rose ceremony time. Alex to Luke & Jordan : “You guys are made-men tonight”. Thanks, mini De Niro. This isn’t the rat pack.

Did someone else just say “Hays in the barn?” Chad is still here in spirit.

Jojo panics and its not just because they picked her blue dress off the prom rack at Sears. She decides it’s not time to say goodbye to Alex and James. But what’s the point? They are going hone next week, anyway right? Did Alex just call that a pity rose? What an angry little man.

Also – I need this photo from next week to be explained because our tiny friend is wearing this lovely….wrap? hat? I doubt it’s religious so I need explanation ASAP.

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