This Isn’t Titanic, Chelsea : Week 5 Recap

Ok so Ft Lauderdale??? THAT’S WHERE THIS EPIC LOVE JOURNEY CONTINUES? I thought this was where you went to visit your grandparents before ditching them to head to Miami. Miami. I mean, it’s RIGHT THERE, ABC. What’s the deal? The girls ride bikes down the “boardwalk” and pretend not to be disappointed that they’re basically…

Jesus Takes the Wheel: Week 3 Recap

This is gonna be a short one, folks. Because I’m not amused. Arie needs chapstick. He has that ring around his lips. Or he has injections. Nope. Just the chap-ring. Anyone else know what I’m talking about? No? Ok then….moving on… Group date to beat the absolute s–t out of each other in a wrestling…

Pillow Lips: Week 2 Recap

Oh look, the real estate agent is on a motorcycle. Whoopi. Look at the way his wig shines in the sunlight. It’s majestic, isn’t it? One on One with Becca K. Wait, when did this girl get out of the limo? Regardless, I like her. But not this date. Good God almighty how the actual…

EW. It’s Already Janu-ARIE: Week 1 Recap

If you’re like me, you gave 2017 the middle finger as your cruised in to 2018 this past weekend. I also drank 1/2 a bottle of tequila and woke up without a hangover so basically I feel like that’s God’s way of telling me this is my year. And also that I may be a…

Nama-not-gonna-stay, Dean: Week 7 Recap

I don’t think these hometowns could have been more painful if they had actually casted it. Like… how on earth did they find these people? This brings me back to the national treasure that is Jojo’s mom.. Eric takes Rachel on a hometown but producers try not to pan out far enough that you can…

Time for scrunchies & DeMari-No to go: Week 2 Recap

Let’s jump right to the fact that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis show up to provide some assistance while casually making fun of the guys as they go through a “Husband Material Obstacle Course”. Before they even start, Ashton meets Lucas, experiences the Whaboom, and hopefully immediately made a call to his agent to ask…

The Bachelorette Begins: It’s All V Necks and Down Hill From Here

HOLY CANNOLI it’s finally time. Time again to watch a smart, beautiful, sophisticated woman hopefully not disappoint us all by picking a douche bag in a v neck t shirt with a headshot that would make Glamour Shots proud. But honestly, please see exhibits 1-6 below and note the use of the High School Portrait…

Evidently it’s not so Raven: Week 10 & the Final Rose

Ew. 3 hours? I will say that even though this is the longest episode this season – and of all time… this will be the shortest blog. Because we already know Rachel is leaving soooooo the suspense is a bit lost, don’t ya think? Anywho. We start this episode with a cheesy montage of Raven…

Bored, Bloated, and the new Bachelorette: Week 6 & 7 Recap

I hate to say “I told you so” but – Wait. No I don’t! I LOVE f–king saying “I told you so”!! Rachel is our new bachelorette and I”m feeling the feels. I remember wanting Sharleen Joynt from Juan’s season to be the bachelorette but it turns out she was way too smart and successful…