This Isn’t Titanic, Chelsea : Week 5 Recap

Ok so Ft Lauderdale??? THAT’S WHERE THIS EPIC LOVE JOURNEY CONTINUES? I thought this was where you went to visit your grandparents before ditching them to head to Miami. Miami. I mean, it’s RIGHT THERE, ABC. What’s the deal? The girls ride bikes down the “boardwalk” and pretend not to be disappointed that they’re basically…

TaHOE & Apple Juice: Week 4 Recap

Off to the majesty of Tahoe they all go. Hope you packed your hiking boots, ladies. And may the force be with you. None of these women look ready for the wilderness. Except for Krystal of course, and her extensive knowledge of terrain from her beach workout regime. One on One with Seinne to go…

Jesus Takes the Wheel: Week 3 Recap

This is gonna be a short one, folks. Because I’m not amused. Arie needs chapstick. He has that ring around his lips. Or he has injections. Nope. Just the chap-ring. Anyone else know what I’m talking about? No? Ok then….moving on… Group date to beat the absolute s–t out of each other in a wrestling…

Pillow Lips: Week 2 Recap

Oh look, the real estate agent is on a motorcycle. Whoopi. Look at the way his wig shines in the sunlight. It’s majestic, isn’t it? One on One with Becca K. Wait, when did this girl get out of the limo? Regardless, I like her. But not this date. Good God almighty how the actual…

Ay Caramba. The Finale

So I was super sick and pretty medicated during the finale, not gonna lie. And although typically that means I would watch a second time around, I will honestly say that I’m pretty glad I wasn’t fully sober for this finale. Producers: “How can we make this more uncomfortable for everyone?” Rachel: “Oh I know!…

Nama-not-gonna-stay, Dean: Week 7 Recap

I don’t think these hometowns could have been more painful if they had actually casted it. Like… how on earth did they find these people? This brings me back to the national treasure that is Jojo’s mom.. Eric takes Rachel on a hometown but producers try not to pan out far enough that you can…

Douche-a-saurus Rex is my favorite dinosaur: Week 6 Recap

Rachel twirls around for the camera while the men skip around Geneva like it’s the best place in the world. All the men: “What a great place to get dumped on national tv!” Rachel misses the mark in that boxy all white outfit but Eric one ups her with the weird smallest scarf of all…

Double the recap, double the fun: Week 5 Recap

Serial killer Jack Stone gets a one on one? What a waste. Honestly, does this guy know how to look at anyone without having his chin to the ground and using only the top 1/3 of his eyeballs to make contact? Do you think it would write cryptic love notes in blood and using newspaper…

RIP BIP & the shirtless episode: Week 3 Recap

Wait.. wait… waiiiitttttt. We can’t start without discussing the s–t storm that is BIP. Or, as I shall now refer to it – RIP BIP because that ship has sailed off the coast of Sayulita; never to be heard of or seen again. Turns out Corrine and Demari-NO were set up on a story line…

Time for scrunchies & DeMari-No to go: Week 2 Recap

Let’s jump right to the fact that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis show up to provide some assistance while casually making fun of the guys as they go through a “Husband Material Obstacle Course”. Before they even start, Ashton meets Lucas, experiences the Whaboom, and hopefully immediately made a call to his agent to ask…